Diary of an Evil Villain, and All Around Bad Friend.

It's been a year Blog.

It's been a year, since I've really been miserable.

It's been a year, since... I've felt like, I... was truly scared.

Needless to say, it's been a long time since I've felt so like shit that I screamed at the top of my lungs. It's been a long time since I've raised my voice in real anguish, anger, or... frustration.

I've been kind of going down at a steady rate over the past month or so. It's been unnerving, and... at this point I'm kind of at an impasse. I'm obviously not very happy right now, just kind of... struggling to pull myself together really. Things just seem to get worse, and worse... I'm just waiting for a moment where... things will start going up again.

Well, you're probably wondering where things went from being pretty cool, to just, dropping to the floor huh?

Honestly, it doesn't really matter when it started. What matters what is really bothering me. Things are just, busting apart at the seams.

Every outlet I have, is breaking on me, and I'm running out of options to get myself out of this funk...

I'm stuck at home, unable to really get out that far or talk to people all that often. As useful as the internet is... it's not enough really. Nothing like real contact with people, where I use to get an abundance... able to walk out of my room and go down a flight of stairs and walk into the room of a friend. Now it's just, like the walls are really closing in on me a bit...

Now keep in mind, I can go out, I know. I'm not stupid, and I'm not a neet... it's just, where would I go? Why? Who would I meet with? I know I'm kind of being my own enemy here and it's kind of lame.

-----------------------------------------------

I think the thing that is really putting me over the edge here... is that in the midst of this all, I feel like I've failed people. Like I guess I haven't done enough for people? Like I was never enough for people? Was I not perfect enough? Was I too selfish?

I found myself, wanting something... to gravitate to people at some point, and suddenly... I was a huge criminal for it. I wanted something for me... for ONCE, oh, maybe even TWICE in my life. Suddenly, I was Judas. A backstabber without a cause, a inconsiderate douche-bag who had nothing better to do than to look out for himself and had no care for those around me. I was a trust killer, who couldn't keep it in his pants long enough to care about the feelings of others. I was someone who selfishly sought after things he wanted, someone who gave nothing for all the things he had been given. I was a villain, no longer a hero, and not even a good Samaritan.

In fact, I was so evil, that it was worth dashing the very trust I had in someone. Trust, confidence, things I put in feeling safe and secure... and suddenly it was used against me like a weapon of mass destruction bent on killing the evil person that I am, and ruining me so I might never spread my selfishness ever again...

That's what I am I guess.

A list of things:

Selfish

Distrustful

Perverted

A Pig

Inconsiderate

Betrayer

Backstabber

Douchebag

Asshole

More importantly, I'm a bad friend.

I will no longer be able to talk to anyone about anything anymore... I wont be able to open up at all to anyone. If my words, my trust, my confidence, my sense of security... are all going to be used against me as weapons to feed hate... I will never give them to anyone to begin with. I refuse to put the ammo in the hands of anyone else...

Instead, I'm going to spend the rest of the year being a better friend. I'll no longer seek things I want, only things I need. A job, an income, pursuit of my dreams to be able to provide for those around me to the best of my abilities. I will no longer seek comfort in a relationship with anyone who isn't a friend, even then... I wont get romantic. Romantic relationships make me lose sight of my friends and what's best for their needs. It makes me unable to see what they need better, it distracts me from their needs. I'll always listen, only... and never speak up about how I feel. I'll just keep it to myself, I should be strong enough to handle my own problems and not need anyone else to hear me or be there for me. That would mean I'm not strong enough to handle the needs of others.

I wont let myself get attracted, if I get attracted to someone, I wont be able to keep myself from gravitating towards them in some way and that means I will be drawing from my friends. With that, I wont be able to be a friend like I should be.

Attraction is an imperfection. Romantic relationships, are an imperfection that I cannot afford to have if I want to keep my friends. If they don't agree with it, than maybe I'll just have to suffer the loneliness. I'll live forever, without a lover, or a romantic interest. I wont ever have kids like I want, because those would distract me from my friends too. I wont be able to have a family of my own, because that would keep me from being there for the people I really need to be paying attention to.

I will only go into things that my friends deem as being the best decision. I'll live my life as the perfect friend, being everything my friends want me to be. That's what this year will be about...

I was never a good friend like I thought I might have been... I guess I asked for too much, and expected too much. I guess I was too selfish...

I'm sorry to all I failed, I'm sorry to all I wasn't good enough to. Maybe, I'll be better this year...

I'm not a victim, you are. I just was too blinded to see how much of a villain I really was...

Happy New Year blog.

And now for something completely different...

Hey Blog,

So, I know this is late... but I am now a graduate of college! My senior project went spectacularly and I walked across the stage to get that cool diploma case that has a paper in it telling me I'll get it in ten weeks. Cool huh?! Heck yeah! I've been super stoked about it really, because I'm finally finished, and I get to start on something new. A new chapter if you will, a new season of my life that is about to begin.

Well... so far it's been pretty harsh. Granted, it's my first week out the door, I don't expect to be employed immediately. Although that would have been nice, I knew that would not happen and am on the beat to get employment. I've been looking around and looking around for positions that mesh with my goals and my interests. Which in it's own has been pretty difficult.

Well, for one, the particular career I'm seeking is in an industry that is very hard-core in it's own when it comes to how it works and getting employment in the field. Not only that, but I have grown a passion for doing a specific part of the field that is... well... it's few and far between. The people who do do it, often need to be great at it. There are very few entry level openings to get into this particular portion of the industry and if you don't find those you have to break in somehow.

At the moment, I'm prodding for means of getting those entry-level positions. I've applied at different places and... well, some of them aren't looking too good. Since I jumped onto the spot with one of the positions... my resumé at the time had holes in it and was missing a lot of the cool stuff that would make me stand out. My cover letter, had a single typo, but that typo can mean the biggest difference. Especially since that typo means I'm obviously not sharp enough to catch those sort of things on the job. Another thing, my resumé had a terrible mistake on it... honestly, I'm ashamed of what I turned into that position. I really wanted it, but I'm not happy about how I went into trying for it.

I've been very pro-active lately though, trying to contact recruiters and now I'm going to start hitting them with requests for meet-ups or phone calls. I want to know as much as I can, learn as much as I can, gain as many assets and connections as I can. It's really fun to be perfectly honest... connecting with people and getting familiar with people. Since I'm people-oriented, I've got kind of an edge. It's also helping me to sharpen that edge to being like a razor as I'm constantly trying to communicate.

I'm enjoying this new mode of life, and it can only really get better from here. Which is awesome while I think about it. The only issue is, well... I may have to leave this area behind on my seek to get employment. By leave this area, I mean... the area I've been basically living in my entire life. My social life, my family, all that jazz I'll have to leave behind for awhile as I pursuit my career. It's a little daunting, but... I know it has to be done.

I love my friends, and I love my family. However, I told them I've got a plan, a goal, a mission that I have to fulfill and will do what I can to accomplish that. I'll miss them, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do.

-----------------------------------------

On the flip side, following up on the relationship post I did before. I'm still kind of in a pit I guess. I suppose I need to stop thinking about it, but I think it just goes with the territory. I'm out of college now, I'm heading off into the employment world, and it just feels natural to want to engage in that type of thing with someone. Granted, it's still really not a good idea right now... but that feeling is creeping up in a dark fashion.

Like I said before, I'm the kind of guy to fall into things (although... my track record is not looking too hot in terms of success rate), so I just kind of let things happen. Go with the flow I suppose, see where things take me. When it comes to people, I have a habit of stumbling into cool ones. Which is nice, because it keeps it interesting. We'll see.

----------------------------------------

Generally, I'd post this on Blog 2, but just a thought... I'm feeling a lot better these days. More confident, more energetic, more healthy. Working out and making a change with my body is making me feel far different and far better. I'm in that... Tom 1.5 stage, where I'm not quite where I need to be to be a 2.0 model, but I'm getting close. I'll probably detail more on it on Blog 2, but I should keep some fresh info on you from time to time.

Well, wish me luck Blog as I journey forth into the working world. I'm being aggressive, I'm passionate, and I wont let myself fall behind.

Till next time Blog, take it easy.

Relationships and "Weird Things"

Hey Blog,

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just a lonely guy right now or something... but it's kind of been on my mind. I know it's a horrible time to think about relationships though since I'm so close to graduating and what not, but hey one can't really help it you know?

So, it's just been floating around I guess, the thought about being with someone. I suppose while I was talking to my sister about stuff... it kind of just crossed my mind. It's just a bit tough, wondering just how I should go into the future of things in that regard. I'm just about to graduate, I'm hoping I can get this jarb and start making a pretty good income, I suppose the next step is to meet someone awesome and work on settling down right? Well, what if you've met someone awesome? But, things just weren't right at the time? Or like, what if you're not sure if your professional life (if you've got super goals for the future) can meld very well with your personal life right now?

Granted, I don't want to go without a partner till I complete my dream, that's just ridiculous. I mean, that'd leave me not being in a relationship till I'm forty or something. That's way to out there. I can't really consider a relationship right now, but it's always kind of on my mind. I've been working out a lot, getting skinnier and stuff. I suppose I'm getting more attractive? But that thought keeps making me uneasy. I know that physical appeal is like... a huge part of it... but I feel like that shouldn't be such a huge factor.

I think part of that is also from my last relationship... which was long. But I mean, basically I was left, given the notion that I was good enough if not better... but how is that justified when I'm still left alone? I suppose that has affected me... and that's not necessarily their fault for leaving me that way, but that's just really how the ball rolls you know?

I graduate in several weeks, I'll be out of the crazy life-limbo with school and things. I'm a little uneasy about thinking about actively looking for a relationship. I'm a "fall into place" kind of guy. That's kind of how I'm feeling I'll go. If something happens, it happens right? Motion of the ocean? Whatever, before I go into a mess of those sayings...

I suppose I'm just confused on where I stand with some things... not sure what I should be feeling or how I should be thinking. Is there more waiting in my future? I feel like I play the game of a lot of waiting on things... that I don't even know if they'll work out.

I will tell you what I am good at though Blog. Waiting, apparently. But I'm confused I guess, that's the best way to depict how I feel. Confused.

-------------------------"Weird Things"------------------------------

Okay, so I've been watching this anime... okay, so I started watching it today. They started using the term "weird things" basically to depict sex. Since it's a Slice of Life anime and there's a child character in it they try to protect them from the trauma. So that's what I was getting at with "Weird Things".

So at any rate (Love this transition), I don't seem to see why people think it's a bad thing to not be okay with One-night stands. A lot of people who know me on a personal level, know how I feel about sex. I treat it as an important step between two people. Somewhat of a spiritual thing, if you will. I mean, to some people that seems really odd... considering for a lot of people it's a physical act of relieving sexual frustration/tension as well as just being down right pleasing. Hey, that's totally legitimate, I just don't follow the practice of getting rocks off first, and then building a relationship next. I am a try hard with relationships, I play it serious.

My body is a temple? Now, a lot of women will look at that and be like, "Wtf is the big deal? It's not like you're invading someone's caverns on a spelunking adventure". A lot of guys will probably be like, "Wtf is the big deal? When a man sees a hole, he's gotta go through it!"

Okay... so maybe that's a bit drastic, but I've gotten a lot of flak in the past for not just jumping the bones of every female I come into contact with. Frankly, it's irritating... I understand what sex is to people, but it's not always the same. For me, it's a totally different story and a totally different playing fields. I take relationships and sex very seriously, and sometimes that puts people off in so many ways. I don't quite understand it, but I guess when things are just different from what would be considered the norm... people tend to press the issue.

"Take your penis off the pedestal!"

So, that's something a good friend of mine has said to me in the past when they wanted to hook me up with people. My response is usually, "This is a privilege! Not a gift!" Which, honestly, is true. I've been confronted with the opportunity to possibly have an encounter with someone... and I told them I couldn't. Some would have told me it was a stupid thing to do, but to me, it felt so important.

Sex is for someone I truly care about, someone I truly am comfortable with, and am truly ready to share that experience with.

Hm, I don't know what really brought this on, but I suppose I just started thinking about how things are and the things I should maintain. I've been contemplating and almost second guessing myself a bit sometimes. It's dumb, I feel a little wrong having this sense of shaken judgment on certain aspects of my values. Honestly, this is something I stick strongly to.

Sex is something that a lot of people flock to with someone they barely know because it offers minimum responsibility, for incredible amounts of gratification. It's easy, without having to take on all the hardships that can come with an actual relationship.

I can't really hang with that feeling... that feeling of using someone for something so base. The thought of being used for something like that even. I know that some people can do it, and that's great for them. I can't do it, sorry folks...

-------------------------------------------------

So again, you're probably wondering, why did this all come up?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I just felt like talking about it, putting it out there. *shrug*.

-------------------------------------------------

Oh! So, I'm super stressed about Senior Project. But... that's to be expected. Just a lot of stuff going wrong, a lot of stuff being behind... it's a mess. But I think we can pull through this. We'll see how tomorrow goes. So, I'll probably be updating Blog2 sometime at the end of the week, I'll be catching you soon thereafter.

Hope you enjoyed the update?

Take it easy Blog.

Well, it's about time...

Hey Blog,

So, I know I haven't been giving you as much attention as I have Blog2... but frankly I'm more attuned to talking about what's going on with my exercise life than what's going on in my own life at the moment. I know that sounds like I'm basically cutting you out... but fear not because I am not doing so.

It's just that a lot of stuff happens in a short amount of time for me, and I suppose that makes it hard to keep updated with all the stuff that goes on. I mean, I can't just sit down and keep you updated every night... and sometimes I just don't feel like updating you with stuff. I'm a little sorry though, because I know you've anxiously been waiting for me to post an update... and I know the crowd of people that are watching my blogs are also anxiously waiting.

*Look out to crowd...

crickets

Look back*

All right, house is getting packed these days.

So at any rate (I like this transitional phrase), I've been just a little busy these days with Senior Project. It's been tough, I've been busy juggling teams and people and getting them to work effectively together. This is hard work, and does take a lot of brain power and mental focus. In the offside, I'm also trying to maintain my own work on the project which takes even more mental focus and brain power. Plus I workout, so that takes a lot of mental focus, and a lot of physical exertion. Wow! I'm just spouting at the seems with focus and power! Needless to say, I'm giving a lot of energy for stuff, and it's tough to maintain, so this leaves me trying to get sleep... eat... and make sure I don't go insane. So that leaves me with a lot of stress.

Stress (St-re-ss-u): That stuff you get when you are overly exerted with stuff.

Obviously, I've been watching a lot of anime when I can, it's rubbing off on me. But Stressu sounds cool to say, so we'll go with that.

At any rate, I'm stressed, lots of stress. Stuff going on, requests being made, not enough time to do ANY of it. Not to mention it's hard to maintain your sanity when you have to juggle working out, being social, while maintaining your academic standards. It's stressful, and I'm stressed, because there's more than just that going on that I probably wont talk about.

Well, I might, but not in this particular update. Right now, I've got a little focusing to do. I'll probably post real soon and update you again further. I know I've said this in the past and didn't do it... but this time I definitely will.

Till we meet again! Take it easy Blog.

Yep...

Hey Blog,

Yeah... it's been awhile. I know I say that a lot at this point, but the truth is... I've been avoiding you. I mean, I don't mean to avoid you, it's not like I'm trying to be a jerk to you or anything, I'm just... going through a time right now where I can't seem to bring myself to go on here and update you on what's going on. Listen, I'm really sorry I've been doing that to you. So what I think I'll do, is I'll update you on what's been going on. Frankly, I could use someone to talk to right now.

Lets start with what's got me right now; right now I'm a little down on myself. My self-esteem has been in the dump for the past week. Not only do I feel a little ashamed of myself, but I also feel this huge sense of being a huge burden for the people around me. Like, I'm being nothing but annoying, or something along those lines. I know that in some cases, I'm not... but I can't seem to shake the feeling. It's been holding me down probably the most, and it's really frustrating.

You're probably wondering, "Wait, what made you this way?"

Well, yeah... that's what I left out, I suppose I should have started with that instead. Well, lets get started shall we?

I messed up...

So, last week after a long discussion with my Professor, Dean, and my Team; I was told I failed Senior Project I. Yeah... kind of an ugly picture. Not necessarily something you'd have expect right? Well, unfortunately, it happened... and I'm understanding of the situation. I messed up, I let my team down because I got caught up with something else. I was understanding of what I had done, but I was deeply ashamed. I let my team down, I let my friends down, and I let my family down. How could I have dropped the ball like that?! How could I have just let things get me caught up like that?! What was I thinking?!

When it was over, I had a lot of time to sit in my room and duke it out with myself. I beat myself to the floor with a good old shout fest with... well, just me. "What the hell were you thinking Tom?! You should have been able to see what was going on! You should have hit it hard and fixed it! You had people relying on you to be there, and you f'ed it up! You had a job, and you f'ed it up! How can you amount to anything in the work place if you can't even handle this?!"

Just a little example of what I had hit myself with... which is a little bit of brutality. But, in truth... I needed to hear it. I need this time to regroup and be able to focus, now I'll be able to focus only on the senior project. As much as that sounds nice, I'm still ashamed, I'm still disappointed. I mean, it's not really that I wont be graduating in June, or that I'm going to be going deeper in debt, or even the fact that I've got to spend even more time in the same place. It's that, I told people I could do a job, and I fell back on my word. Being the kind of person who takes action and doesn't just talk, or if I do talk I make it happen or try my hardest. I say what I mean, and if the words "I promise" leave my lips, I follow through.

But this time... I messed up. It's been keeping me in a funk ever since...

So... a rock in the darkness...

So for the past week, I've been riding my motorcycle. I've been... coming up with a plan of action, and I've been trying to keep myself focus. I've come to terms with the position I'm in, but being down is being down. Going back to what I was talking about earlier, I'm a little sunk. I mean, these things happen, circumstance sometimes hits us hard. Unfortunately... it hit me in the face, when I wanted it the least. But, isn't that how it's suppose to be?

What I feel like though, is that I can't really talk to anyone about this feeling. I mean, I've talked to Broseidon, but... I'm still kind of in the funk. He understands, but there's not much he can do. Not only that, but I haven't really talked too extensively to him about it. I didn't want to burden him with that conversation when he just got back from a great trip. What kind of f'ed up stuff is that?

I've been biting down pretty hard, keeping a smile on, and trying to convince myself that it's really not what it is. But... it's hard to convince yourself that, when it seems like everything is pointing to it being real? When you sit there, without anything to do, all you can do is think. No, not think, but brood. It's depressing, it's destructive, it's pathetic even. I mean, I'm stronger than this, I sit there and bring people up, and I can't even drag my own sorry butt out of a hole?

I told myself, I'd never want anyone to be in this position. I want to be strong for people, be able to help them in need. I don't want people to feel alone, or left behind. No one deserves that feeling, no one.

But, in a sense... it leaves you a little out there. You search, but at some point you find yourself falling into a hole in the middle of nowhere. Who do you go to? Who is there for you when you need it? If you ask for help, do you look incapable? Or do you look weaker?

Well... I know the answers to those questions, but... they're the solidifying factor that makes the situation so much worse. This is the brooding part, you hit yourself with so many questions, you don't know what to think. You spend time helping people, so you anticipate... you anticipate an outcome by planning, by asking questions. But then you realize, you've got no one to bounce those questions off of, no one to help you to make your plan bullet-proof. Then what? You're left with questions... lots of questions, questions that beat the crap out of you.

Okay, so that was a little bit of a jump into my mind with certain things. In this particular case, it's the process of doubt. But this is the doubt process where I doubt myself, I doubt others, I doubt possible outcomes.

Now, keep in mind Blog, people don't see this side of me. Few even hear about this part of me, and now it's going to be public knowledge. But... I don't really mind, because apart of making weakness into a strength, is coming to terms with that weakness. This is one that I acknowledge, and although it's still a weakness now... I'm working on it.

But for now... it kind of just feels like I'm a rock out in the darkness... kind of sucks really.

On another note...

So, it's been rough lately Blog. If you couldn't tell already, but things aren't just like... a huge dump. For one, the Sharks made it to round two for the Stanley Cup. That's exciting, I know it seems kind of odd that I'd bring that up. I don't follow sports that often, I blame my mom, two of my buddies, and Awesome Person.

I've been getting a lot of motorcycle time, which is great, since I don't get to do that often enough really. I got a chance to hang out with a friend from Turlock, who I haven't seen in awhile. That's nice, he's a great guy and I missed him quite a bit. Also, I've been getting sleep, probably too much sleep really... I feel bad about it considering I know there's people around me that aren't getting all that much sleep. I feel wrong, sleeping in throughout the day while I know people are getting power naps.

Uhm... Oh! My dad got us a new Sig Mosquito, which we are probably going to take out to the range in the next couple of days. That's exciting, I haven't been shooting in a long time... which I think will really help me find some clarity. Granted, I wont have the two buddies I originally wanted to join me for this... but that's all right. I think a little time hanging out with my old man is good too.

Other than that... I think I'm ready for the next session, I'm going to hunker down, hit it hard, get some more practice with what I'm headed into, and I'll hit the Senior Project like a railway train. I just want to shake this funk really... it's making everything hard to manage.

-------------------------------

At this point, I can only really push myself. I suppose, I'll give people space, one of the issues I've got going on is... I feel lonely you know? I mean, I've got not much to do, and even though there's a lot of people around, it still feels like I'm alone. It's a weird feeling, and it's a little sad, but it goes along with the whole funk thing. But overall, I don't want to keep bothering people, so I figure I'll just give them space. It's a little frustrating feeling like... you're the only person reaching out to talk to people. It's all right, I know that almost all of my buddies are busy right now... but it still sucks feeling down and out, and feeling like you're annoying people... or you're needy by bothering them all the time.

Then, if you don't talk to them, they think you're angry at them or something. Or... something is going on. Then no communication happens... then it's like... instant separation! What a twisted cycle, right? Er... I know you're probably like, "Well Tom... I can't really contact you, it's really all you right now man", which... is totally legit. I guess I have been failing in that department, sorry Blog.

But really, I think I just need to chill out... let people do their thing, and... kind of try and find stuff to keep me busy. Maybe I'll ride more on the motorcycle, maybe I'll go visit a buddy? I'm in the air right now, when you're in a rut, you don't tend to see things as clearly. You kind of only think about the negative crap that goes on, and it drains you of positive energy.

"Stop that Tom, seriously", is probably what you're thinking Blog. You're totally right, I just wish it was that easy. I'm trying okay? I'm trying really hard. I think I can do this Blog, I GOT THIS!

So anyway Blog, I'm sorry I've kind of neglected you. It's probably not as bad as Blog 2... who... honestly, I haven't really had much need to post on. I've been doing really bad about it. But I think that's something to post about. At any rate, I'm going to take off and catch some Z's.

Take it easy Blog.

Roller Coaster on Crack.

Hey Blog,

Been awhile, I know, been pretty busy lately with stuff going on with school and things. I apologize for my absence. To be perfectly honest, I'm posting here before I post on Blog 2, even though I've got some stuff to put on there too. But for the most part, I'm going to update you on some things ahead of time before I keep going on.

So, as you can guess by the title that I so aptly named our discussion today, I'm a little on the fence right now because I don't really know what to think about things that are happening. I guess you could say that right now I'm in a position that's... like a rock and hard place. I mean, it's a really beautiful rock, and it's a very wonderfully painted hard place, but it doesn't make it any less of a sticky situation. I'm just a little confused is all, and it's safe to say that I'm a very confused individual right now.


First things first, I've been running...

I don't run, so that's what so unusual for me. I don't usually run from situations, or find ways out of them. I confront them, but in this particular case, I've been running in circles and it's frightening. But, the problem here is that I've got no one to confront except for me, and frankly... I scare myself right now.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm smiling while I'm writing up this chit-chat with you Blog, but it's just the fact that I don't really know what to make up of my situation right now. I mean, I'm just kind of trapped in this like mode of thought as to where my next step should be. I know in the last chat we had, I was talking about letting things happen and seeing how the river runs... well this river is taking me to some really crazy places, albeit great ones, crazy none-the-less.

I guess I can't really go too deep into this right now, I'm still trying to decipher it all myself. But, I'm just a little unsure of myself.

Well crap...

--------------------------------

So anyway, I've been spending quite a bit of time hanging out with a friend of mine. I'm not going to say names here, because as much as I trust you and all Blog, I know how open you are with your information, so we'll just go ahead and name this person: Awesome Person.

So, getting back to the point, myself and my roommate have been hanging out a lot with my Awesome Person here. In the past some three weeks we've talked a lot, and grown far closer than before. Although I've known my Awesome Person for some time now, I can say that our friendship has definitely grown in the past three weeks at the speed of a roller coaster on crack. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing at all, in fact, it's been a pretty awesome ride.

Me and my roommate, who is my best friend for over ten years too and will this point on be known as Broseidon, have been going and hanging out with Awesome Person. Driving up north and hanging out in her home town, and stuff like that. Chatting online over skype a lot, and web camming while bored as all hell on both sides. It's actually pretty relieving considering I've been under a lot of stress, and it's good to have someone I can just chat with about whatever is going on.

What I can say, is this Awesome Person has been helping a lot lately in helping me simply chill the f ' out. I can say they've helped me a great deal in such a short time.

The other day me and Broseidon went and visited our Awesome Person at her school and she showed us around. It's amazing down there in Monterey, and it was a great opportunity to meet all of her friends as well. Which, by the way... are really cool people, hands down. They were really friendly, approachable, had a really chill mentality, and great senses of humor which was such a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, it was cool to see what it was like to be at a real college and what the lifestyle was like. So it was definitely a spectacular trip down south.

Me and Broseidon got the chance to see the wonderful beach front of Monterey too, which was really cool for both of us. It would seem that this Awesome Person is showing me to a lot of beach fronts lately. Last week I took my motorcycle out to a beach house in Bodega and the weather had cleared to give a wonderful day. It was beautiful out there.

So at any rate, it's been really cool this month in terms of getting a chance to hang out with Awesome Person and experience a little bit more of what it's like in her world. Friends, classes, lifestyle, and things like that. It was quite an experience that I definitely hope to get the chance to go down there again real soon.

---------------------------------


So, on the educational side, I've been a little off kilter. It's been a little tough to balance the two classes I'm in right now. On one side, I'm a manager for a project team, and it's really tough to keep focused when my other class is so damned demanding! I mean, crap, we have papers for our papers!

It doesn't help that I have technical difficulties with this e-college crap online. I can't get some of my online work done because it keeps malfunctioning. I went into the school to ask, and they said that it happens and they'll look into it. But that doesn't really give me much, so I'm sitting a little irate about the whole thing.

But I was a little scared because I let my team down and I felt horrible about the whole ordeal. They weren't happy with my performance and I was afraid of getting kicked out. Thankfully, they gave me another chance, and I'm hitting it with my best to prove that I can do this.

----------------------------

Right, so things are a little mixed up and confusing right now. If you can guess it Blog, we'll definitely talk again soon.

Hm... it's a little complicated.

Hey Blog,

So, I'm sorry I haven't been paying as much attention to you as Blog 2. I know you're a little lonely over here, so I decided it was best for me to finally come over here and post on you. It's been a little tough bringing myself to do it on account that a lot of things have been happening over the past few weeks. It's been really busy, and I haven't really had too many chances to stop and just post on my blog.

Senior Project is here, and I'm also undergoing another class that is actually packing in a lot of extra work for me. Which is tough, since most of that work is paper work related, and for Senior Project I'm the project manager basically... so there's plenty of paper work to be had here!

But lets get on to the stuff that's important to know about right? I mean, after all, it wouldn't be a very good blog post if I didn't go over all the stuff that was going on in my life at the time. So as I tack-tack away at my keyboard and it makes a cool sound, I'm just going to break it down for you I suppose. Here we go!


It's complicated...

So, lately... I've been seeing a lot more of my Beautiful Person. Several weeks ago, we started to hang out again, I met up with her after her surgery and we started to talk a lot more. I know you don't have a facebook of your own Blog, but we've been kind of active on there a lot more than we were before. We've been talking through texts, on the phone, meeting up and hanging out. Although both of us speculate it's been a little bit too fast considering how we went from pretty much nothing, to seeing a whole lot of each other in a short time. So, we're taking some steps back...

You're probably wondering, "Why is that complicated? It seems like you both have it pretty sorted out." Well, yeah, we've kind of got it sorted out, but we're working on finding our balance to be friends. But that's hard when you're in a position where... you don't necessarily know what it's like to be friends anymore. The comfort, the ability to be so close in proximity without awkwardness, and even some of the stuff one normally wouldn't do around someone else who was just a "friend".

Me and my Beautiful Person are maintaining a lot of strength in this. It's tough on us both, but we manage to keep control over our urges. Which... at this point is really kicking our butts if you ask me. But we're strong, and our respect for each other is too high to let that ruin this whole thing.

The other day I broke it down to my Beautiful Person how I felt. I told her everything that I was feeling, and that I would still be waiting. How it was her only, and no one else, that I would stand by her always... even if someone else is in her life. My Beautiful Person told me how much she wanted to be together again, but couldn't... that we both needed this time.

As much as I don't want to think about that, she is most definitely right. We both need this time to sort ourselves out. I'm working really hard on finishing my degree, I am working on myself as a person, and if you talk at all to Blog 2 you can see my progress on getting myself healthier. It's going good for the most part, to the point where I can say things are great with confidence, and not feel like there's something holding me back.

But what really makes things complicated, is just how I don't know what to think really. I trust in my Beautiful Person's word, and her thoughts, and her feelings. I respect everything she tells me, and above all I respect her. We're taking steps backwards, and it's important that we do. I told her already that it didn't matter how hard it might get, or how it might even be impossible to bear... that I would make it, that I would maintain strength through this.

As much as I hope we can be together again, we can't really tell where this might end up. But I've come to realize that I should just let this happen, see where this river takes us. Even though it seems complicated, it shouldn't rob me of my focus. I need to finish my degree, and I need to get healthy... in which I've only got about three months left!

But the bottom of the line is... I love my Beautiful Person, and that just wont change. The hardest part about it, is that I keep getting told how stupid of an idea it is to sit around waiting. That I'm not stupid, but the idea is... well, that's just about saying that I'm stupid too at any rate. But, it doesn't really matter to me. I confronted my father about it the other day, because he keeps telling me how unrealistic it is to think that one's first love can be the one you're with forever. Well, it really doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantasy it might be... it's still possible. Although it seems like it all points against me, I find strength in my passion, faith, and hope. She is the only one that truly belongs beside me. That feeling, that wont change.

I just wish more people were behind me on how I feel. I mean, more so than my roommate to say the least. I understand they just don't want to watch me crash and burn into the ground riding this zeppelin of an idea. But... I'd rather ride an idea into the ground, than abandon it and watch it float away from me.

Finding Focus...

So, with that whole thing going on with my Beautiful Person, I've been a little tied up in the mind lately. I'm working really hard to quell all of what's going on in my life right now. There's a lot of stuff going on in school that's just keeping me packed up with crap to do. My one class has a crap ton of deadlines, my Senior Project is working great right now, but I still have a lot of work to do. It gets more and more stressful as the days go on, but I've got confidence in the people around me to make this through. Unfortunately, I need more confidence in me to make this too.

I've been growing in confidence in myself a lot since... well "The Great Divide". We'll just call it that for now just because I like giving stuff titles. I've started to love myself more, and find myself loving this ability to start being a champion. I want to be a champion, and making my body better and healthier is a way of getting there. But more importantly, I've started planning out my future to better reach my goal of being a champion, not just for me, but to help change the world. So, just like I told you I'd explain, I'm going to do that here:

By thirty, I expect to start my own development studio under a name I've been using for awhile. I plan on utilizing connections and assets that I've been building over the years to help me out with this. I'll be collecting a lot of my friends, who I know are passionate and talented and we will get this going.

By thirty-five, I want to start expending that studio to be able to handle production instead of just development. I plan on taking in smaller studio's and having them handle more game production so that we can start increasing our revenue.

About this time, I would like to start a non-profit organization that will focus on bringing relief to disaster stricken countries (such as Japan and Haiti), but also help by sending groups to other countries where relief is necessary (Africa, and some parts of South America). Along with this non-profit, I will be hoping to have started a group that focuses on helping students who are graduated from High School and ranging to about Sophomore year in college to help them cope with college life. I hope to have expanded this group idea to more cities in the country and hopefully I can have the organization fund for these kids to go out and do missionary work around the world.

By forty, I hope to have expanded both the company and the organization to be stronger, and larger. I will start building a committee for both of people I trust to uphold the integrity of both companies and maintain them. At this point, I haven't decided what shall happen from there, but I've got a good feeling I'll continue to be doing things with both, but will mostly be focusing on the non-profit. I plan on making smaller branches that will hold a better focus, so that if people want to be able to volunteer and do a specific task around the world, they can go to that area of the organization to make it easier.

From there, I'm still deciding what I shall do. I want to travel probably, or continue to build on my family at that point. Personal goals aside, this is a list of my professional goals mostly. I'm very behind this plan, even though it's highly open to change at some point. But the basics are there, how I get to them, or accomplish them is most likely prone to change.

My passion to be apart of the game industry stemmed from me wanting to bring happiness to the world in some form or way. Video games, make a lot of people happy, and hopefully I could use that to accomplish more than just bringing a game to a console or PC in a lot of homes. I wanted to use what I got from making those games, to focus on something that's true goal was to bring happiness to places where hope might seem lost. Helping others around the world is more than what Video Games can provide. So, I will do both.

As for my personal life goals... well, I want to be a father eventually, and have a beautiful family that I can provide security for. Bring happiness everyday, and things like that. But that... is something I can't plan out on my own, but with someone else. We'll see how that goes though, so no promises, and nothing is set in stone on that one. Sorry Blog.

At any rate, I'll post again soon Blog. Hope this has been a fantastical update.