It's been a year, since I've really been miserable.
It's been a year, since... I've felt like, I... was truly scared.
Needless to say, it's been a long time since I've felt so like shit that I screamed at the top of my lungs. It's been a long time since I've raised my voice in real anguish, anger, or... frustration.
I've been kind of going down at a steady rate over the past month or so. It's been unnerving, and... at this point I'm kind of at an impasse. I'm obviously not very happy right now, just kind of... struggling to pull myself together really. Things just seem to get worse, and worse... I'm just waiting for a moment where... things will start going up again.
Well, you're probably wondering where things went from being pretty cool, to just, dropping to the floor huh?
Honestly, it doesn't really matter when it started. What matters what is really bothering me. Things are just, busting apart at the seams.
Every outlet I have, is breaking on me, and I'm running out of options to get myself out of this funk...
I'm stuck at home, unable to really get out that far or talk to people all that often. As useful as the internet is... it's not enough really. Nothing like real contact with people, where I use to get an abundance... able to walk out of my room and go down a flight of stairs and walk into the room of a friend. Now it's just, like the walls are really closing in on me a bit...
Now keep in mind, I can go out, I know. I'm not stupid, and I'm not a neet... it's just, where would I go? Why? Who would I meet with? I know I'm kind of being my own enemy here and it's kind of lame.
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I think the thing that is really putting me over the edge here... is that in the midst of this all, I feel like I've failed people. Like I guess I haven't done enough for people? Like I was never enough for people? Was I not perfect enough? Was I too selfish?
I found myself, wanting something... to gravitate to people at some point, and suddenly... I was a huge criminal for it. I wanted something for me... for ONCE, oh, maybe even TWICE in my life. Suddenly, I was Judas. A backstabber without a cause, a inconsiderate douche-bag who had nothing better to do than to look out for himself and had no care for those around me. I was a trust killer, who couldn't keep it in his pants long enough to care about the feelings of others. I was someone who selfishly sought after things he wanted, someone who gave nothing for all the things he had been given. I was a villain, no longer a hero, and not even a good Samaritan.
In fact, I was so evil, that it was worth dashing the very trust I had in someone. Trust, confidence, things I put in feeling safe and secure... and suddenly it was used against me like a weapon of mass destruction bent on killing the evil person that I am, and ruining me so I might never spread my selfishness ever again...
That's what I am I guess.
A list of things:
Selfish
Distrustful
Perverted
A Pig
Inconsiderate
Betrayer
Backstabber
Douchebag
Asshole
More importantly, I'm a bad friend.
I will no longer be able to talk to anyone about anything anymore... I wont be able to open up at all to anyone. If my words, my trust, my confidence, my sense of security... are all going to be used against me as weapons to feed hate... I will never give them to anyone to begin with. I refuse to put the ammo in the hands of anyone else...
Instead, I'm going to spend the rest of the year being a better friend. I'll no longer seek things I want, only things I need. A job, an income, pursuit of my dreams to be able to provide for those around me to the best of my abilities. I will no longer seek comfort in a relationship with anyone who isn't a friend, even then... I wont get romantic. Romantic relationships make me lose sight of my friends and what's best for their needs. It makes me unable to see what they need better, it distracts me from their needs. I'll always listen, only... and never speak up about how I feel. I'll just keep it to myself, I should be strong enough to handle my own problems and not need anyone else to hear me or be there for me. That would mean I'm not strong enough to handle the needs of others.
I wont let myself get attracted, if I get attracted to someone, I wont be able to keep myself from gravitating towards them in some way and that means I will be drawing from my friends. With that, I wont be able to be a friend like I should be.
Attraction is an imperfection. Romantic relationships, are an imperfection that I cannot afford to have if I want to keep my friends. If they don't agree with it, than maybe I'll just have to suffer the loneliness. I'll live forever, without a lover, or a romantic interest. I wont ever have kids like I want, because those would distract me from my friends too. I wont be able to have a family of my own, because that would keep me from being there for the people I really need to be paying attention to.
I will only go into things that my friends deem as being the best decision. I'll live my life as the perfect friend, being everything my friends want me to be. That's what this year will be about...
I was never a good friend like I thought I might have been... I guess I asked for too much, and expected too much. I guess I was too selfish...
I'm sorry to all I failed, I'm sorry to all I wasn't good enough to. Maybe, I'll be better this year...
I'm not a victim, you are. I just was too blinded to see how much of a villain I really was...
Happy New Year blog.
