And now for something completely different...

Hey Blog,

So, I know this is late... but I am now a graduate of college! My senior project went spectacularly and I walked across the stage to get that cool diploma case that has a paper in it telling me I'll get it in ten weeks. Cool huh?! Heck yeah! I've been super stoked about it really, because I'm finally finished, and I get to start on something new. A new chapter if you will, a new season of my life that is about to begin.

Well... so far it's been pretty harsh. Granted, it's my first week out the door, I don't expect to be employed immediately. Although that would have been nice, I knew that would not happen and am on the beat to get employment. I've been looking around and looking around for positions that mesh with my goals and my interests. Which in it's own has been pretty difficult.

Well, for one, the particular career I'm seeking is in an industry that is very hard-core in it's own when it comes to how it works and getting employment in the field. Not only that, but I have grown a passion for doing a specific part of the field that is... well... it's few and far between. The people who do do it, often need to be great at it. There are very few entry level openings to get into this particular portion of the industry and if you don't find those you have to break in somehow.

At the moment, I'm prodding for means of getting those entry-level positions. I've applied at different places and... well, some of them aren't looking too good. Since I jumped onto the spot with one of the positions... my resumé at the time had holes in it and was missing a lot of the cool stuff that would make me stand out. My cover letter, had a single typo, but that typo can mean the biggest difference. Especially since that typo means I'm obviously not sharp enough to catch those sort of things on the job. Another thing, my resumé had a terrible mistake on it... honestly, I'm ashamed of what I turned into that position. I really wanted it, but I'm not happy about how I went into trying for it.

I've been very pro-active lately though, trying to contact recruiters and now I'm going to start hitting them with requests for meet-ups or phone calls. I want to know as much as I can, learn as much as I can, gain as many assets and connections as I can. It's really fun to be perfectly honest... connecting with people and getting familiar with people. Since I'm people-oriented, I've got kind of an edge. It's also helping me to sharpen that edge to being like a razor as I'm constantly trying to communicate.

I'm enjoying this new mode of life, and it can only really get better from here. Which is awesome while I think about it. The only issue is, well... I may have to leave this area behind on my seek to get employment. By leave this area, I mean... the area I've been basically living in my entire life. My social life, my family, all that jazz I'll have to leave behind for awhile as I pursuit my career. It's a little daunting, but... I know it has to be done.

I love my friends, and I love my family. However, I told them I've got a plan, a goal, a mission that I have to fulfill and will do what I can to accomplish that. I'll miss them, but sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do.

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On the flip side, following up on the relationship post I did before. I'm still kind of in a pit I guess. I suppose I need to stop thinking about it, but I think it just goes with the territory. I'm out of college now, I'm heading off into the employment world, and it just feels natural to want to engage in that type of thing with someone. Granted, it's still really not a good idea right now... but that feeling is creeping up in a dark fashion.

Like I said before, I'm the kind of guy to fall into things (although... my track record is not looking too hot in terms of success rate), so I just kind of let things happen. Go with the flow I suppose, see where things take me. When it comes to people, I have a habit of stumbling into cool ones. Which is nice, because it keeps it interesting. We'll see.

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Generally, I'd post this on Blog 2, but just a thought... I'm feeling a lot better these days. More confident, more energetic, more healthy. Working out and making a change with my body is making me feel far different and far better. I'm in that... Tom 1.5 stage, where I'm not quite where I need to be to be a 2.0 model, but I'm getting close. I'll probably detail more on it on Blog 2, but I should keep some fresh info on you from time to time.

Well, wish me luck Blog as I journey forth into the working world. I'm being aggressive, I'm passionate, and I wont let myself fall behind.

Till next time Blog, take it easy.

Relationships and "Weird Things"

Hey Blog,

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just a lonely guy right now or something... but it's kind of been on my mind. I know it's a horrible time to think about relationships though since I'm so close to graduating and what not, but hey one can't really help it you know?

So, it's just been floating around I guess, the thought about being with someone. I suppose while I was talking to my sister about stuff... it kind of just crossed my mind. It's just a bit tough, wondering just how I should go into the future of things in that regard. I'm just about to graduate, I'm hoping I can get this jarb and start making a pretty good income, I suppose the next step is to meet someone awesome and work on settling down right? Well, what if you've met someone awesome? But, things just weren't right at the time? Or like, what if you're not sure if your professional life (if you've got super goals for the future) can meld very well with your personal life right now?

Granted, I don't want to go without a partner till I complete my dream, that's just ridiculous. I mean, that'd leave me not being in a relationship till I'm forty or something. That's way to out there. I can't really consider a relationship right now, but it's always kind of on my mind. I've been working out a lot, getting skinnier and stuff. I suppose I'm getting more attractive? But that thought keeps making me uneasy. I know that physical appeal is like... a huge part of it... but I feel like that shouldn't be such a huge factor.

I think part of that is also from my last relationship... which was long. But I mean, basically I was left, given the notion that I was good enough if not better... but how is that justified when I'm still left alone? I suppose that has affected me... and that's not necessarily their fault for leaving me that way, but that's just really how the ball rolls you know?

I graduate in several weeks, I'll be out of the crazy life-limbo with school and things. I'm a little uneasy about thinking about actively looking for a relationship. I'm a "fall into place" kind of guy. That's kind of how I'm feeling I'll go. If something happens, it happens right? Motion of the ocean? Whatever, before I go into a mess of those sayings...

I suppose I'm just confused on where I stand with some things... not sure what I should be feeling or how I should be thinking. Is there more waiting in my future? I feel like I play the game of a lot of waiting on things... that I don't even know if they'll work out.

I will tell you what I am good at though Blog. Waiting, apparently. But I'm confused I guess, that's the best way to depict how I feel. Confused.

-------------------------"Weird Things"------------------------------

Okay, so I've been watching this anime... okay, so I started watching it today. They started using the term "weird things" basically to depict sex. Since it's a Slice of Life anime and there's a child character in it they try to protect them from the trauma. So that's what I was getting at with "Weird Things".

So at any rate (Love this transition), I don't seem to see why people think it's a bad thing to not be okay with One-night stands. A lot of people who know me on a personal level, know how I feel about sex. I treat it as an important step between two people. Somewhat of a spiritual thing, if you will. I mean, to some people that seems really odd... considering for a lot of people it's a physical act of relieving sexual frustration/tension as well as just being down right pleasing. Hey, that's totally legitimate, I just don't follow the practice of getting rocks off first, and then building a relationship next. I am a try hard with relationships, I play it serious.

My body is a temple? Now, a lot of women will look at that and be like, "Wtf is the big deal? It's not like you're invading someone's caverns on a spelunking adventure". A lot of guys will probably be like, "Wtf is the big deal? When a man sees a hole, he's gotta go through it!"

Okay... so maybe that's a bit drastic, but I've gotten a lot of flak in the past for not just jumping the bones of every female I come into contact with. Frankly, it's irritating... I understand what sex is to people, but it's not always the same. For me, it's a totally different story and a totally different playing fields. I take relationships and sex very seriously, and sometimes that puts people off in so many ways. I don't quite understand it, but I guess when things are just different from what would be considered the norm... people tend to press the issue.

"Take your penis off the pedestal!"

So, that's something a good friend of mine has said to me in the past when they wanted to hook me up with people. My response is usually, "This is a privilege! Not a gift!" Which, honestly, is true. I've been confronted with the opportunity to possibly have an encounter with someone... and I told them I couldn't. Some would have told me it was a stupid thing to do, but to me, it felt so important.

Sex is for someone I truly care about, someone I truly am comfortable with, and am truly ready to share that experience with.

Hm, I don't know what really brought this on, but I suppose I just started thinking about how things are and the things I should maintain. I've been contemplating and almost second guessing myself a bit sometimes. It's dumb, I feel a little wrong having this sense of shaken judgment on certain aspects of my values. Honestly, this is something I stick strongly to.

Sex is something that a lot of people flock to with someone they barely know because it offers minimum responsibility, for incredible amounts of gratification. It's easy, without having to take on all the hardships that can come with an actual relationship.

I can't really hang with that feeling... that feeling of using someone for something so base. The thought of being used for something like that even. I know that some people can do it, and that's great for them. I can't do it, sorry folks...

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So again, you're probably wondering, why did this all come up?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I just felt like talking about it, putting it out there. *shrug*.

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Oh! So, I'm super stressed about Senior Project. But... that's to be expected. Just a lot of stuff going wrong, a lot of stuff being behind... it's a mess. But I think we can pull through this. We'll see how tomorrow goes. So, I'll probably be updating Blog2 sometime at the end of the week, I'll be catching you soon thereafter.

Hope you enjoyed the update?

Take it easy Blog.

Well, it's about time...

Hey Blog,

So, I know I haven't been giving you as much attention as I have Blog2... but frankly I'm more attuned to talking about what's going on with my exercise life than what's going on in my own life at the moment. I know that sounds like I'm basically cutting you out... but fear not because I am not doing so.

It's just that a lot of stuff happens in a short amount of time for me, and I suppose that makes it hard to keep updated with all the stuff that goes on. I mean, I can't just sit down and keep you updated every night... and sometimes I just don't feel like updating you with stuff. I'm a little sorry though, because I know you've anxiously been waiting for me to post an update... and I know the crowd of people that are watching my blogs are also anxiously waiting.

*Look out to crowd...

crickets

Look back*

All right, house is getting packed these days.

So at any rate (I like this transitional phrase), I've been just a little busy these days with Senior Project. It's been tough, I've been busy juggling teams and people and getting them to work effectively together. This is hard work, and does take a lot of brain power and mental focus. In the offside, I'm also trying to maintain my own work on the project which takes even more mental focus and brain power. Plus I workout, so that takes a lot of mental focus, and a lot of physical exertion. Wow! I'm just spouting at the seems with focus and power! Needless to say, I'm giving a lot of energy for stuff, and it's tough to maintain, so this leaves me trying to get sleep... eat... and make sure I don't go insane. So that leaves me with a lot of stress.

Stress (St-re-ss-u): That stuff you get when you are overly exerted with stuff.

Obviously, I've been watching a lot of anime when I can, it's rubbing off on me. But Stressu sounds cool to say, so we'll go with that.

At any rate, I'm stressed, lots of stress. Stuff going on, requests being made, not enough time to do ANY of it. Not to mention it's hard to maintain your sanity when you have to juggle working out, being social, while maintaining your academic standards. It's stressful, and I'm stressed, because there's more than just that going on that I probably wont talk about.

Well, I might, but not in this particular update. Right now, I've got a little focusing to do. I'll probably post real soon and update you again further. I know I've said this in the past and didn't do it... but this time I definitely will.

Till we meet again! Take it easy Blog.

Yep...

Hey Blog,

Yeah... it's been awhile. I know I say that a lot at this point, but the truth is... I've been avoiding you. I mean, I don't mean to avoid you, it's not like I'm trying to be a jerk to you or anything, I'm just... going through a time right now where I can't seem to bring myself to go on here and update you on what's going on. Listen, I'm really sorry I've been doing that to you. So what I think I'll do, is I'll update you on what's been going on. Frankly, I could use someone to talk to right now.

Lets start with what's got me right now; right now I'm a little down on myself. My self-esteem has been in the dump for the past week. Not only do I feel a little ashamed of myself, but I also feel this huge sense of being a huge burden for the people around me. Like, I'm being nothing but annoying, or something along those lines. I know that in some cases, I'm not... but I can't seem to shake the feeling. It's been holding me down probably the most, and it's really frustrating.

You're probably wondering, "Wait, what made you this way?"

Well, yeah... that's what I left out, I suppose I should have started with that instead. Well, lets get started shall we?

I messed up...

So, last week after a long discussion with my Professor, Dean, and my Team; I was told I failed Senior Project I. Yeah... kind of an ugly picture. Not necessarily something you'd have expect right? Well, unfortunately, it happened... and I'm understanding of the situation. I messed up, I let my team down because I got caught up with something else. I was understanding of what I had done, but I was deeply ashamed. I let my team down, I let my friends down, and I let my family down. How could I have dropped the ball like that?! How could I have just let things get me caught up like that?! What was I thinking?!

When it was over, I had a lot of time to sit in my room and duke it out with myself. I beat myself to the floor with a good old shout fest with... well, just me. "What the hell were you thinking Tom?! You should have been able to see what was going on! You should have hit it hard and fixed it! You had people relying on you to be there, and you f'ed it up! You had a job, and you f'ed it up! How can you amount to anything in the work place if you can't even handle this?!"

Just a little example of what I had hit myself with... which is a little bit of brutality. But, in truth... I needed to hear it. I need this time to regroup and be able to focus, now I'll be able to focus only on the senior project. As much as that sounds nice, I'm still ashamed, I'm still disappointed. I mean, it's not really that I wont be graduating in June, or that I'm going to be going deeper in debt, or even the fact that I've got to spend even more time in the same place. It's that, I told people I could do a job, and I fell back on my word. Being the kind of person who takes action and doesn't just talk, or if I do talk I make it happen or try my hardest. I say what I mean, and if the words "I promise" leave my lips, I follow through.

But this time... I messed up. It's been keeping me in a funk ever since...

So... a rock in the darkness...

So for the past week, I've been riding my motorcycle. I've been... coming up with a plan of action, and I've been trying to keep myself focus. I've come to terms with the position I'm in, but being down is being down. Going back to what I was talking about earlier, I'm a little sunk. I mean, these things happen, circumstance sometimes hits us hard. Unfortunately... it hit me in the face, when I wanted it the least. But, isn't that how it's suppose to be?

What I feel like though, is that I can't really talk to anyone about this feeling. I mean, I've talked to Broseidon, but... I'm still kind of in the funk. He understands, but there's not much he can do. Not only that, but I haven't really talked too extensively to him about it. I didn't want to burden him with that conversation when he just got back from a great trip. What kind of f'ed up stuff is that?

I've been biting down pretty hard, keeping a smile on, and trying to convince myself that it's really not what it is. But... it's hard to convince yourself that, when it seems like everything is pointing to it being real? When you sit there, without anything to do, all you can do is think. No, not think, but brood. It's depressing, it's destructive, it's pathetic even. I mean, I'm stronger than this, I sit there and bring people up, and I can't even drag my own sorry butt out of a hole?

I told myself, I'd never want anyone to be in this position. I want to be strong for people, be able to help them in need. I don't want people to feel alone, or left behind. No one deserves that feeling, no one.

But, in a sense... it leaves you a little out there. You search, but at some point you find yourself falling into a hole in the middle of nowhere. Who do you go to? Who is there for you when you need it? If you ask for help, do you look incapable? Or do you look weaker?

Well... I know the answers to those questions, but... they're the solidifying factor that makes the situation so much worse. This is the brooding part, you hit yourself with so many questions, you don't know what to think. You spend time helping people, so you anticipate... you anticipate an outcome by planning, by asking questions. But then you realize, you've got no one to bounce those questions off of, no one to help you to make your plan bullet-proof. Then what? You're left with questions... lots of questions, questions that beat the crap out of you.

Okay, so that was a little bit of a jump into my mind with certain things. In this particular case, it's the process of doubt. But this is the doubt process where I doubt myself, I doubt others, I doubt possible outcomes.

Now, keep in mind Blog, people don't see this side of me. Few even hear about this part of me, and now it's going to be public knowledge. But... I don't really mind, because apart of making weakness into a strength, is coming to terms with that weakness. This is one that I acknowledge, and although it's still a weakness now... I'm working on it.

But for now... it kind of just feels like I'm a rock out in the darkness... kind of sucks really.

On another note...

So, it's been rough lately Blog. If you couldn't tell already, but things aren't just like... a huge dump. For one, the Sharks made it to round two for the Stanley Cup. That's exciting, I know it seems kind of odd that I'd bring that up. I don't follow sports that often, I blame my mom, two of my buddies, and Awesome Person.

I've been getting a lot of motorcycle time, which is great, since I don't get to do that often enough really. I got a chance to hang out with a friend from Turlock, who I haven't seen in awhile. That's nice, he's a great guy and I missed him quite a bit. Also, I've been getting sleep, probably too much sleep really... I feel bad about it considering I know there's people around me that aren't getting all that much sleep. I feel wrong, sleeping in throughout the day while I know people are getting power naps.

Uhm... Oh! My dad got us a new Sig Mosquito, which we are probably going to take out to the range in the next couple of days. That's exciting, I haven't been shooting in a long time... which I think will really help me find some clarity. Granted, I wont have the two buddies I originally wanted to join me for this... but that's all right. I think a little time hanging out with my old man is good too.

Other than that... I think I'm ready for the next session, I'm going to hunker down, hit it hard, get some more practice with what I'm headed into, and I'll hit the Senior Project like a railway train. I just want to shake this funk really... it's making everything hard to manage.

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At this point, I can only really push myself. I suppose, I'll give people space, one of the issues I've got going on is... I feel lonely you know? I mean, I've got not much to do, and even though there's a lot of people around, it still feels like I'm alone. It's a weird feeling, and it's a little sad, but it goes along with the whole funk thing. But overall, I don't want to keep bothering people, so I figure I'll just give them space. It's a little frustrating feeling like... you're the only person reaching out to talk to people. It's all right, I know that almost all of my buddies are busy right now... but it still sucks feeling down and out, and feeling like you're annoying people... or you're needy by bothering them all the time.

Then, if you don't talk to them, they think you're angry at them or something. Or... something is going on. Then no communication happens... then it's like... instant separation! What a twisted cycle, right? Er... I know you're probably like, "Well Tom... I can't really contact you, it's really all you right now man", which... is totally legit. I guess I have been failing in that department, sorry Blog.

But really, I think I just need to chill out... let people do their thing, and... kind of try and find stuff to keep me busy. Maybe I'll ride more on the motorcycle, maybe I'll go visit a buddy? I'm in the air right now, when you're in a rut, you don't tend to see things as clearly. You kind of only think about the negative crap that goes on, and it drains you of positive energy.

"Stop that Tom, seriously", is probably what you're thinking Blog. You're totally right, I just wish it was that easy. I'm trying okay? I'm trying really hard. I think I can do this Blog, I GOT THIS!

So anyway Blog, I'm sorry I've kind of neglected you. It's probably not as bad as Blog 2... who... honestly, I haven't really had much need to post on. I've been doing really bad about it. But I think that's something to post about. At any rate, I'm going to take off and catch some Z's.

Take it easy Blog.

Roller Coaster on Crack.

Hey Blog,

Been awhile, I know, been pretty busy lately with stuff going on with school and things. I apologize for my absence. To be perfectly honest, I'm posting here before I post on Blog 2, even though I've got some stuff to put on there too. But for the most part, I'm going to update you on some things ahead of time before I keep going on.

So, as you can guess by the title that I so aptly named our discussion today, I'm a little on the fence right now because I don't really know what to think about things that are happening. I guess you could say that right now I'm in a position that's... like a rock and hard place. I mean, it's a really beautiful rock, and it's a very wonderfully painted hard place, but it doesn't make it any less of a sticky situation. I'm just a little confused is all, and it's safe to say that I'm a very confused individual right now.


First things first, I've been running...

I don't run, so that's what so unusual for me. I don't usually run from situations, or find ways out of them. I confront them, but in this particular case, I've been running in circles and it's frightening. But, the problem here is that I've got no one to confront except for me, and frankly... I scare myself right now.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm smiling while I'm writing up this chit-chat with you Blog, but it's just the fact that I don't really know what to make up of my situation right now. I mean, I'm just kind of trapped in this like mode of thought as to where my next step should be. I know in the last chat we had, I was talking about letting things happen and seeing how the river runs... well this river is taking me to some really crazy places, albeit great ones, crazy none-the-less.

I guess I can't really go too deep into this right now, I'm still trying to decipher it all myself. But, I'm just a little unsure of myself.

Well crap...

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So anyway, I've been spending quite a bit of time hanging out with a friend of mine. I'm not going to say names here, because as much as I trust you and all Blog, I know how open you are with your information, so we'll just go ahead and name this person: Awesome Person.

So, getting back to the point, myself and my roommate have been hanging out a lot with my Awesome Person here. In the past some three weeks we've talked a lot, and grown far closer than before. Although I've known my Awesome Person for some time now, I can say that our friendship has definitely grown in the past three weeks at the speed of a roller coaster on crack. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing at all, in fact, it's been a pretty awesome ride.

Me and my roommate, who is my best friend for over ten years too and will this point on be known as Broseidon, have been going and hanging out with Awesome Person. Driving up north and hanging out in her home town, and stuff like that. Chatting online over skype a lot, and web camming while bored as all hell on both sides. It's actually pretty relieving considering I've been under a lot of stress, and it's good to have someone I can just chat with about whatever is going on.

What I can say, is this Awesome Person has been helping a lot lately in helping me simply chill the f ' out. I can say they've helped me a great deal in such a short time.

The other day me and Broseidon went and visited our Awesome Person at her school and she showed us around. It's amazing down there in Monterey, and it was a great opportunity to meet all of her friends as well. Which, by the way... are really cool people, hands down. They were really friendly, approachable, had a really chill mentality, and great senses of humor which was such a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, it was cool to see what it was like to be at a real college and what the lifestyle was like. So it was definitely a spectacular trip down south.

Me and Broseidon got the chance to see the wonderful beach front of Monterey too, which was really cool for both of us. It would seem that this Awesome Person is showing me to a lot of beach fronts lately. Last week I took my motorcycle out to a beach house in Bodega and the weather had cleared to give a wonderful day. It was beautiful out there.

So at any rate, it's been really cool this month in terms of getting a chance to hang out with Awesome Person and experience a little bit more of what it's like in her world. Friends, classes, lifestyle, and things like that. It was quite an experience that I definitely hope to get the chance to go down there again real soon.

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So, on the educational side, I've been a little off kilter. It's been a little tough to balance the two classes I'm in right now. On one side, I'm a manager for a project team, and it's really tough to keep focused when my other class is so damned demanding! I mean, crap, we have papers for our papers!

It doesn't help that I have technical difficulties with this e-college crap online. I can't get some of my online work done because it keeps malfunctioning. I went into the school to ask, and they said that it happens and they'll look into it. But that doesn't really give me much, so I'm sitting a little irate about the whole thing.

But I was a little scared because I let my team down and I felt horrible about the whole ordeal. They weren't happy with my performance and I was afraid of getting kicked out. Thankfully, they gave me another chance, and I'm hitting it with my best to prove that I can do this.

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Right, so things are a little mixed up and confusing right now. If you can guess it Blog, we'll definitely talk again soon.

Hm... it's a little complicated.

Hey Blog,

So, I'm sorry I haven't been paying as much attention to you as Blog 2. I know you're a little lonely over here, so I decided it was best for me to finally come over here and post on you. It's been a little tough bringing myself to do it on account that a lot of things have been happening over the past few weeks. It's been really busy, and I haven't really had too many chances to stop and just post on my blog.

Senior Project is here, and I'm also undergoing another class that is actually packing in a lot of extra work for me. Which is tough, since most of that work is paper work related, and for Senior Project I'm the project manager basically... so there's plenty of paper work to be had here!

But lets get on to the stuff that's important to know about right? I mean, after all, it wouldn't be a very good blog post if I didn't go over all the stuff that was going on in my life at the time. So as I tack-tack away at my keyboard and it makes a cool sound, I'm just going to break it down for you I suppose. Here we go!


It's complicated...

So, lately... I've been seeing a lot more of my Beautiful Person. Several weeks ago, we started to hang out again, I met up with her after her surgery and we started to talk a lot more. I know you don't have a facebook of your own Blog, but we've been kind of active on there a lot more than we were before. We've been talking through texts, on the phone, meeting up and hanging out. Although both of us speculate it's been a little bit too fast considering how we went from pretty much nothing, to seeing a whole lot of each other in a short time. So, we're taking some steps back...

You're probably wondering, "Why is that complicated? It seems like you both have it pretty sorted out." Well, yeah, we've kind of got it sorted out, but we're working on finding our balance to be friends. But that's hard when you're in a position where... you don't necessarily know what it's like to be friends anymore. The comfort, the ability to be so close in proximity without awkwardness, and even some of the stuff one normally wouldn't do around someone else who was just a "friend".

Me and my Beautiful Person are maintaining a lot of strength in this. It's tough on us both, but we manage to keep control over our urges. Which... at this point is really kicking our butts if you ask me. But we're strong, and our respect for each other is too high to let that ruin this whole thing.

The other day I broke it down to my Beautiful Person how I felt. I told her everything that I was feeling, and that I would still be waiting. How it was her only, and no one else, that I would stand by her always... even if someone else is in her life. My Beautiful Person told me how much she wanted to be together again, but couldn't... that we both needed this time.

As much as I don't want to think about that, she is most definitely right. We both need this time to sort ourselves out. I'm working really hard on finishing my degree, I am working on myself as a person, and if you talk at all to Blog 2 you can see my progress on getting myself healthier. It's going good for the most part, to the point where I can say things are great with confidence, and not feel like there's something holding me back.

But what really makes things complicated, is just how I don't know what to think really. I trust in my Beautiful Person's word, and her thoughts, and her feelings. I respect everything she tells me, and above all I respect her. We're taking steps backwards, and it's important that we do. I told her already that it didn't matter how hard it might get, or how it might even be impossible to bear... that I would make it, that I would maintain strength through this.

As much as I hope we can be together again, we can't really tell where this might end up. But I've come to realize that I should just let this happen, see where this river takes us. Even though it seems complicated, it shouldn't rob me of my focus. I need to finish my degree, and I need to get healthy... in which I've only got about three months left!

But the bottom of the line is... I love my Beautiful Person, and that just wont change. The hardest part about it, is that I keep getting told how stupid of an idea it is to sit around waiting. That I'm not stupid, but the idea is... well, that's just about saying that I'm stupid too at any rate. But, it doesn't really matter to me. I confronted my father about it the other day, because he keeps telling me how unrealistic it is to think that one's first love can be the one you're with forever. Well, it really doesn't matter how unrealistic or fantasy it might be... it's still possible. Although it seems like it all points against me, I find strength in my passion, faith, and hope. She is the only one that truly belongs beside me. That feeling, that wont change.

I just wish more people were behind me on how I feel. I mean, more so than my roommate to say the least. I understand they just don't want to watch me crash and burn into the ground riding this zeppelin of an idea. But... I'd rather ride an idea into the ground, than abandon it and watch it float away from me.

Finding Focus...

So, with that whole thing going on with my Beautiful Person, I've been a little tied up in the mind lately. I'm working really hard to quell all of what's going on in my life right now. There's a lot of stuff going on in school that's just keeping me packed up with crap to do. My one class has a crap ton of deadlines, my Senior Project is working great right now, but I still have a lot of work to do. It gets more and more stressful as the days go on, but I've got confidence in the people around me to make this through. Unfortunately, I need more confidence in me to make this too.

I've been growing in confidence in myself a lot since... well "The Great Divide". We'll just call it that for now just because I like giving stuff titles. I've started to love myself more, and find myself loving this ability to start being a champion. I want to be a champion, and making my body better and healthier is a way of getting there. But more importantly, I've started planning out my future to better reach my goal of being a champion, not just for me, but to help change the world. So, just like I told you I'd explain, I'm going to do that here:

By thirty, I expect to start my own development studio under a name I've been using for awhile. I plan on utilizing connections and assets that I've been building over the years to help me out with this. I'll be collecting a lot of my friends, who I know are passionate and talented and we will get this going.

By thirty-five, I want to start expending that studio to be able to handle production instead of just development. I plan on taking in smaller studio's and having them handle more game production so that we can start increasing our revenue.

About this time, I would like to start a non-profit organization that will focus on bringing relief to disaster stricken countries (such as Japan and Haiti), but also help by sending groups to other countries where relief is necessary (Africa, and some parts of South America). Along with this non-profit, I will be hoping to have started a group that focuses on helping students who are graduated from High School and ranging to about Sophomore year in college to help them cope with college life. I hope to have expanded this group idea to more cities in the country and hopefully I can have the organization fund for these kids to go out and do missionary work around the world.

By forty, I hope to have expanded both the company and the organization to be stronger, and larger. I will start building a committee for both of people I trust to uphold the integrity of both companies and maintain them. At this point, I haven't decided what shall happen from there, but I've got a good feeling I'll continue to be doing things with both, but will mostly be focusing on the non-profit. I plan on making smaller branches that will hold a better focus, so that if people want to be able to volunteer and do a specific task around the world, they can go to that area of the organization to make it easier.

From there, I'm still deciding what I shall do. I want to travel probably, or continue to build on my family at that point. Personal goals aside, this is a list of my professional goals mostly. I'm very behind this plan, even though it's highly open to change at some point. But the basics are there, how I get to them, or accomplish them is most likely prone to change.

My passion to be apart of the game industry stemmed from me wanting to bring happiness to the world in some form or way. Video games, make a lot of people happy, and hopefully I could use that to accomplish more than just bringing a game to a console or PC in a lot of homes. I wanted to use what I got from making those games, to focus on something that's true goal was to bring happiness to places where hope might seem lost. Helping others around the world is more than what Video Games can provide. So, I will do both.

As for my personal life goals... well, I want to be a father eventually, and have a beautiful family that I can provide security for. Bring happiness everyday, and things like that. But that... is something I can't plan out on my own, but with someone else. We'll see how that goes though, so no promises, and nothing is set in stone on that one. Sorry Blog.

At any rate, I'll post again soon Blog. Hope this has been a fantastical update.

I'm great.

Hey Blog!

I'm great these days. =) I really am...

I'll have to explain a little later. But I'm great.

Talk to you soon Blog!

I'm feelin' good...

Hey Blog,

It's been about ten days, but a lot has happened in that time. First things first...

I'M ON MY LAST FREAKIN' SEMESTER!

Yes, I am almost done. I'm sixteen weeks from total victory and jumping into the real world to fight a new battle for success and to change the world. That's right, I am on that path to change the world! I've already got a plan crafted (which is open to change should anything come up, I cover my bases), and am on the road to making it happen.

At any rate, I think that's for another time to talk about. Maybe I'll make another blog post sometime this week to explain it a little bit. Sorry blog, another time... another time.

So, the semester I'm still technically in... I managed to pull my grades up to a nice line up:

An A and straight B's! Freakin' awesome right? I know it's not straight A's... which I was going for, but some stuff came up this session and kind of held me up. I mean, that's why I kind of came back to the blog even, and you were there the whole time.

But I got awesome grades, and I'm really excited to get to my graduation ceremony in June. I'm even more excited to get this degree and get into the next step of my Ten Year plan. I'm very stoked, and lets see how we do as we go along!

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On another note, I started another blog called: "Gunning for One-Sixty". I'm hoping to lose seventy-five pounds by summer time, although I know I wont actually lose seventy-five pounds, it's more a number to give me something as a reference. I imagine I'll reach about 185 and I'll start toning out. But we'll see how that goes, at any rate, you can check out that blog here:

www.gunningforonesixty.blogspot.com

I'm doing really well on this, and I'm going to be updating it soon after this one.

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On another-other note, I took a look at my stats, and I noticed that I've got two readers from Malaysia, and one reader from Argentina. That's awesome, it really really is. I know it's not a lot in retrospect, but I think it's kind of cool that I've got some visitors from different countries. It's pretty awesome... to me at least.


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So... the other day I got a chance to see my Beautiful Person for the first time in about a month and a half. It was really relieving to see that she is doing really good after her surgery...

Erm, I suppose I should explain a bit.

So, last Friday, I woke up from a nap and looked on Facebook to see people posting "Good Luck with surgery!". Well, to be honest, I think I had a small heart attack. I called my good friend and she kind of put my mind at ease a bit. But that doesn't change the fact that I freaked out a little bit. I prayed, pretty hard and it was on my mind for the rest of the night. That night, I received a call from my Beautiful Person's mother, and it caught me pretty off guard. But it turned out to be a very sudden thing, something that just kind of happened and she was rushed into the O.R. that very visit to the doctor.

I got a chance to talk to my Beautiful Person after several weeks of kind of avoiding talking to her (I need a little time). She was a little loopy, but it was great to hear she was doing all right. I also have a funny video of her playing E.T. which... I found pretty hilarious. But the relief was definitely there, despite how somewhat confused I was at the time.

So, the following week, I got to see my Beautiful Person again. I was glad to see she was doing good, and was thankful to get the chance to chat with her after quite some time. It was a little strange at first, but it didn't feel awkward or anything it was just... a lot of relief.

--------------------------------

These past ten days have been interesting, to say the least. But I'm definitely climbing upwards, and not falling downwards anymore. I've got a lot ahead of me, and I'm ready to get up there. Sorry again I haven't been posting as often, I got a little caught up with all what was going on in the past few weeks. But there's plenty more to come!

I'm feelin' good Blog, catch you soon!

How times have changed...

Hey Blog,


It's been awhile, I know, I have been pretty busy the past few weeks. I've been really focused on some stuff that have helped me keep distracted. I decided I'd take this time to really flesh out how much things have changed over the past several weeks a little bit. Let me tell you, they've changed quite a bit.

First off, I've started on my mission to lose seventy-five pounds by summer time. So far, I've dropped my weight down from 250 to 235 and it's dropping. So far, I'm about four or so weeks into my mission, and it's going really well. It started out by doing two mile jogs every day with some mixed exercise throughout. But, then it started to become more of a standard thing by doing two mile jogs every night, a four mile jog on Thursday nights. Now, I'm bumping it up to five mile bicycle rides everyday, and a four mile jog every night with a six mile jog on Thursday nights.

I'm eating more healthy, or at least as healthy as I can get with the dormitories menu. I'm sticking to lean meats, and getting fruits and veggies into my diet pretty much at every meal. I'm drinking lots of water, and having some small snacks every three hours or so to keep my body awake and burning.

I'm already noticing changes, and it feels really good. I'm thankful I've got something to distract me and keep me moving forward. I've kind of cut video games out of my life a little bit... which is disappointing, but a much needed break from them. I've been connecting more with friends, and keeping more in touch with the people in my life. It's really nice, as it helps a lot right now.

I suppose in a sense my way of thinking has changed as well this past month or so. I've grown more compassionate about others than ever before. My mode of thinking is more towards others, and I keep putting myself in other people's shoes. I'm reaching out to people, and being more positive to hopefully raise people's spirits. I've also been praying a lot... I mean, a lot. I've been praying for people who are struggling, people who have ailments, and I've been praying a great deal for my Beautiful Person. Every morning, I wake up and say a short prayer, every time I sit and eat a meal, I say a prayer over my food with my friends, and every time before I go out on a jog or bike ride I say a prayer, every night before I go to bed... I pray some more.

I've kind of found a place to go when I pray, a place to store my thoughts and my feelings and ultimately my love for others. I share that, and I give it up. I've found this love for the people around me that is so fulfilling, but to some it seems odd. I've grown a little enlightened I guess, grown a real understanding of what it means to look around myself and really seek to know what makes people think or do the things they do. I've been very forgiving, and very conscious of others. It feels nice, but in some cases, it's daunting.

I feel as though I'm getting stronger everyday, both in my body and my spirit. I'm working hard everyday to continue to grow on that, to continue to be a better person for those around me. But also to help be strong for the future ahead...

-------------------------------

To say I don't still think about my Beautiful Person every moment would be a lie. I still think about her, almost always. But when you spend so much time thinking about someone in your life, you can't just shake them out of it. They grow a residence there, and if you love someone, you undergo tortures for them. In a sense, it's made me stronger. I can still think about this person, and not be broken. It's actually quite a relieving feeling... knowing that they can be there, and it not be tearing me apart.

Although I do wonder if they think of me too, but I'd understand if they didn't. I don't think they think about me like I do for them, but that's fine. I pray for their happiness, always, and when I make wishes, I wish for them. Love is strange like that, and I'm really coming to understand what that really means.

I think the largest realization I've come to, is how happy I am with knowing that I know what it means to truly love someone from the bottom of the heart. To truly pour everything you have and know that it is going to the right place. I experienced something in life that people work toward their entire lives. I experienced what it meant to truly love someone, and that's an experience that I feel is amazing.

I'm happy with that fact, happy with my life as I am living it. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing family of friends, and I'm on my way to graduating and going out into the world with a new found fervor. I'm a very fortunate person, and I hope I can bring great things to others too. Life is beautiful, people are beautiful.

I've changed a lot Blog, but I'm thankful that it is in a good way. I've started to love myself more, which has not happened a lot in my past, if ever. So that allows me to grow stronger, so should my loved ones call, I can be there for them. I shall grow stronger, so that should the world call... perhaps I can be there for them too. I hope to see the world- No, I hope to change the world into a better place.

So, a few goals of mine that are underlying in my goal to start a company in the next ten years:

* Run some marathons locally.
* Do a triathlon in a foreign country.
* Travel to a foreign country (New Zealand? Japan?)
* Go on a few mission trips to places in need (Africa, South America, South-East Asia).
* Bring a smile to someone's face everyday.
* Love myself, Love those around me, and be Happy.

So, I've got to run to class. I'll see you in a bit Blog!

Walking the Path

Hey Blog,

Before I go on, I'd like to say thank you to one of my commenters, BootyBump420, for the thoughtful comment that inspired me quite a bit. Thank you for your great words, it really does mean a lot.


----------------------------

So, it's been good these past few weeks, at least pretty good. Although today it was awesome, but that aside... it's been good. I've been getting out a lot more and doing stuff outside. I've been connecting with people that I felt like I've disconnected with, even though I feel I've got plenty more to do, I'm going into this a little bit slow. But it's good to get connected again.

Lately, I've been looking forward to writing songs for my younger sister Lisa. I'm trying to come up with stuff, been mostly looking at some YouTube artists who are really awesome. ClaraC, Paul Dateh, and Sam Ock. They're really talented artists, and have been pretty inspiring this week. I hope I can come up with some stuff for Lisa pretty soon so we can maybe hammer out a demo CD or something.

--------------------------

So, I've been feeling a lot better lately, at least since Saturday night. I went over to my friend's house, to deliver something to them and help them install it on their computer. Well, my Beautiful Person just so happens to live in the same house... and I was really skeptical about what was going to happen. I tried really hard to make it so that my Beautiful Person wouldn't be there, but as it turns out, my friend's schedule was a little busy and ended up pushing the appointment to pretty late that night. I was okay with it, I was just a little worried. I didn't want to push my presence onto my Beautiful Person, and make her feel like I'm forcing her to see me in some odd way.

Well, it worked out... kind of. It was an odd experience, a heart-wrenching one at that. I was a little more than ten feet away from my Beautiful Person, and couldn't see them, couldn't hear them. It was better that way, but it didn't make it hurt any less to be so close... yet so far away. The job was finished, and I ended up leaving a letter for my Beautiful Person, a letter in which I poured a lot of myself into.

I was surprised how that night actually effected me. I didn't feel as thrown back into a pit as I thought I would... but instead, I felt empowered. I endured what was quite a hard incident. It was really tough on me, but it helped me to realize that I could do this. It helped me to realize how selfish I was being before and how I should have been more understanding of the situation. After giving up the letter... I felt like I had somewhat more closure than I had before.

I feel ready though, to continue on my path, while my Beautiful Person continues on her's. She chose this journey, and I need to focus on mine. A knight needs his castle, and I plan on building on up and being successful with it. I still pray for my Beautiful Person, everyday, at least four times a day. I don't know how she took the letter... but I hope she read it a few times and really absorbed what I had to say.

At any rate, I feel stronger now, I've been laughing and feeling so much better. I'm licking my lips about going to class, and doing my work and thinking about what I can do. I was in a funk, and now I'm in a groove. I know I can do this, and I want to succeed whether my path converges with my Beautiful Person or some other Beautiful Person who might come my way. I must continue to walk the path, help those around me... guide those around me.

I am on a path, a path that compels me to help people I meet. Love them, without conditions, and show them what that really means. Not through words, or text... but through action. I wont give up on people, I want to give them someone they can always look to, to stand by them when they feel alone. I know that God is always there for people, but if they see someone there... someone behind them who is walking the path, maybe they'll do the same for others. I don't expect them to, but I hope it'll help.


I am a very lucky individual, blessed with a beautiful family who loves me and supports me. A beautiful set of friends who I care deeply about, and they do the same for me. I have dreams, goals, and motivation. I am truly blessed.

"But what man is a man who does not seek to make the world a better place?"

and what kind of life is there to live if not to bring good to others?

I hope I can bring good to others. Be it using Video Games in my foreseeable future, or taking mission trips to countries in need. I want to help make the world a better place. That is my path.

"I shall help people, not because I want to, but because they need it."

I shall be there, I shall help those in need, I will walk the path...


I'm sorry I didn't post earlier this week, I'll have to be more on top of that. I'll catch you later Blog!

No rest for the wicked...

Hey Blog,


So... it's been pretty crazy the past several weeks. All kinds of things have been happening, and it seems like my bad luck has been building and building as time is passing. I haven't really had a chance to stand up before finding myself crawling on the floor again. Times are rough, but I'm getting by the best a man can in times of trouble.

Well, lets get down to business... so far, my car has broken down the day before a freakin' midterm. Had a bit of an emergency some days before. This weekend has been a crazy one, one of ups and downs. This entire week has been somewhat like this, but nothing like the weekend itself.

So, lets get down to the smaller stuff now. My car broke down last night while I was hitting the 580 to 880 south bound junction. I found myself unable to shift gears as my gear box seemed to become a huge hole in my car. So, I pulled off the freeway and turned onto Broadway where I called my dad. I got a hold of AAA and got a tow back home. Unfortunately... I have a midterm today, and now I'm sitting here a little stressed out that I might not be able to get a reschedule. From what I hear, my professor is very sick (in which I'm praying for his health).

I really don't have much of a choice in this matter involving my car. So I hope that there's a possibility of me being able to take the midterm on a later date. Otherwise... I'm pretty damned screwed. My luck has been really poor lately, and I hope it'll pick up soon.

Beautiful Person...

Well, I've finally gotten some closure it seems. The hope in which I was clinging too foolishly was finally given way to a more harsher reality... but it has left me with higher level of promise. I know, deep in my heart, that my beautiful person didn't mean for what happened to happen. I forgive them from the bottom of my heart for what happened.

My beautiful person was missing something... something very important. Something that I hope they know they need to fill that missing area before they can truly give themselves to someone. This missing piece, is why it seemed in the long run that the passion was not as mutual. I hope, and I pray that my beautiful person will refill this something and be able to love themselves more. Not be as critical about themselves, and truly be themselves, not what others might look upon them. They're a beautiful person, inside and out, and I truly love that about them.

I really hope that my beautiful person will find themselves, and find happiness. But most of all, I hope that they'll be able to rebuild what they had been missing, so that they can truly give everything to someone, and not be in fear that there might be something else. When one is not missing pieces, they can truly make a leap of faith for another person. But till they are complete, and have found as much as there is to know about someone that they can find on their own, they will not be able to make that jump.

I'll truly miss my beautiful person, and I hope I can still have them in my life... but time will truly tell from here.

Take it easy Blog... lets hope things start looking up...

The work out that might just have changed my life...

Hey Blog,

I know it's really late... but I just had to post this up. I just had a great workout, and this workout really gave me some perspective. I don't know what it was, but I breathed so clearly while I ran and did all of my exercises and I'd never felt so alive while doing a workout like I did tonight. It was... an incredible experience, that I don't think I have ever gone through while doing something like this.

Well, when I concluded my jog... I took a moment and I prayed. I prayed for a long time for my beautiful person. I prayed for the journey that was ahead, and I prayed for the goals I hoped to obtain. I found a confidence in that moment that seemed to pierce into my soul, in a good way. I felt confident in my ability to burn off seventy-five pounds by the summer time. I felt confident in my ability to get through this hardship, and continue to be who I am. I felt confident in my beautiful person's journey, and I'm glad she took this time to make this choice. I want her to find herself on this journey, and I do hope that one day she'll return. If she does, I hope we can carry on from where we left off when it ended... a beautiful relationship, where every kiss was like a fresh breath of air, and every smile was like a new day.

I know it may seem like I'm banking on that in a silly manner. But... I am confident in the way things are. I was a jerk over the past few days, and it was wrong for me to do some of the things I did. I was confused, and out of that I became foolish and did silly things. I'm sorry... to the people that I got caught in the middle, my great friends, my friend's awesome parent, and my beautiful person. You all mean the world to me, and I hope I can make the best of things this year.

I still have a lot of questions, and I'm still not sure about some things. But my confusion isn't blinding me, I now just have questions. I have passion right now, for things to come, and the things that I might learn. I still know what I want, and I still want to stick to my goals. But right now, I feel filled with hope, faith, and strength.

I love you my beautiful person. I love you my wonderful friends. I'm ready for the path ahead, and I will stop at nothing to go forward. I will continue to grow, I will finish my education, and I will build the Bat Cave I told you about beautiful person. I told God that I knew you'd do great things for the world, and I stick to that.

The world is a beautiful place... and the path ahead is rife with wonder. Although your smile wont usher the sun up for me, I think I'm willing to go on without it for a bit... God knows I'll miss it. But, I hope you'll continue to smile bright regardless, and never bring yourself down, always bring yourself up. You're a beautiful girl, body, mind, and soul. Don't forget it!



All right, lets do this!

Take it easy Blog!

Angels, fences, and puppies.

Hey Blog,

This weekend has been a mixture of things and has been pretty crazy. I mean, it had to have, since I'm posting twice within a day of the last post. Well, I guess my last post didn't really constitute as a blog about it, but more of how I was feeling. I suppose that'll happen quite a bit as this goes along... so bear with me Blog.

So, yesterday I went to a Gun show with my dad at the Cow Palace in Daly City/San Francisco. It was great, there were a ton of people there, and awesome stuff to see. A lot of the people there were from the last one, and it was great to see some of the same things there again, and disappointing to see some things not there (HELMET GUY!!?? NOO!!!!). But, overall, it was a cool Gun Show.

Although... what happened to me all day was not all that spectacular. The reason I say that is because, well... throughout the entire day I saw my beautiful person from upon waking up, to the end of the day. When I woke up, I saw her there beside me... smiling. When I blinked, she was gone... and it made my heart sink. I tried to let it go, and go throughout the day but I continued to see her in the crowd smiling back at me, going around the corner, and even driving in vehicles around me. When I closed my eyes, she was there. Later on in the day, my great friend from high school called me. At first, I thought I heard her saying, "Hey you" like my beautiful person did before. It scared me, but I was excited... thinking I was hearing from her again finally. I was so scared I didn't even realize it was my great friend.

My friend calling was helpful... but I felt myself slipping as the day was coming to an end. I was driven into some sort of confusion, and found myself thinking I had "Given everything, and yet I LOST." I was so down at that point... I had lost my cool. My friend tried to bring me to my sense, and I did somewhat, in a sense he helped me get to sleep that night... having played a game with me for a little while.

Sunday, I went with my father to build a fence. We went out to buy the materials, and at some point we were really ready to get the puppy already. We didn't though, because the woman who is giving the puppy to us was getting them their shots. So, we took it upon ourselves to build the fence now, even though the puppy wont need it for a few months. Go figure, ha.

So, we built it, which was a little frustrating but we managed to get it done in a few hours. The long part is done, but we've got another, smaller (thankfully) fence to make on the side of our house. We've pretty much going for a dog run for the puppy to grow into. So, next weekend we'll be getting a puppy on my younger sister's birthday.

On Sunday nights, I volunteer at my church as a Youth Leader for high school students. We played board games tonight, and it was really fun playing Clue and The Game Of Life. But when the meeting was over, I had a long discussion with my fellow leaders, both are older than me and I look up to them a lot. We talked about our thoughts on things, and how we felt about stuff. It was a great conversation where I told them about how I coined the phrase, "If Angels can cry, why can't we?". In that time, my other Youth Leader asked me, "Why do you think Angel's cry?" and I talked a bit about the movie Legion... which I thought was only a good movie based on the dialogue alone. I told him, "I believe Angels cry when they see people do great things for others from the heart."

I made a lot of realizations from that conversation, more particularly on how disgusted I feel with myself for thinking I had given it all only to lost with my beautiful person. It was in the conversation that I realized that I had given it all and gained everything. I have grown a lot from the last few weeks... A LOT. I've learned a lot about myself, and about how I should live. I still know what I want... and I still want this beautiful person by my side forever... but I know I have to be patient.

I told this beautiful person that I would wait for her as long as it takes. I promised... and I stand by my promises.

At any rate, I'm stoked about the puppy, and I look forward to the next week to come. Wish me luck, and take care Blog!

To the Eye of the Storm

Hey Blog,

This week has been another week of chaos, and has left me with little time to really breath and recover from things. It seems every time I turn around, or set myself down to rest there is another thing that pops up and slaps me in the face. I haven't been sleeping well... and I haven't been able to recover from a wrecked sleep schedule, which has effected my school as well in the worst possible way. My professor shows more disappointment in me everyday, and it hurts to feel so pathetic. It seems like every time I go up a stone on this mountain, it gets taller and taller. Every time the peak seems so at hand and I will finally get a moment to take a breath, it disappears in the fog.

I'm tired, I feel so at the bottom, and I am full of anguish it's bearing down on me. Seriously, it's hell in a hand-basket. I mean, I've got so much clarity as to what is going on, but I've never felt so damned lost in my life. I've felt lost before, but this goes beyond anything that's ever happened in the past. I am drifting in the storm, and am unsure whether I should sail out of it... or if I should continue inside hoping the eye will show me my fate. It's frightening, and the world is upside down.

This feeling, that there's no air, is kicking my butt. I just want to have a moment of rest but it's no where at all. Ugh, I'm so tired... I just want to sleep but I'm afraid to. What the hell Blog? What the hell?

Save me, please? Or.... tranquilize me or something.

Till then, I'll drift for awhile and see where the storm will take me. If it doesn't consume me first....

Trouble in Tom Town, and something you should know...

Hey Blog,

So, for the past several days I've been distracting myself with a Garry's Mod game called: Trouble in Terrorist Town. It's been keeping me really distracted for that time frame, and it's been really helpful. In some cases at least... in other cases it's been kind of bad. Like, with my sleeping schedule for instance, but at the same time I can't blame it for that. At any rate... for those of you who have Steam and the Source games, if you have the Source games and are wondering about whether or not to get Garry's Mod. Well, for TTT alone, it's worth it.

That aside, lets get on to other stuff that's been going on. Well, I've come to a realization about the situation I'm in. As much as it sucks, I should be a bit more open to the idea considering how important it is to the person I care so much about. Although they're leaving me, and I hope its for a short time , I want them to happy. I now know I've been kind of selfish over the past week or so. I've been selfish in thinking about how the situation pertains to me. But who would blame me? Well, me obviously... but that's aside from the point.

What's important to me, is that this beautiful person who I hold so dearly in my heart... grows like she wants to. I want her to be happy, to blossom, and to find herself. Although I want to be with this person, I know that there are times when people need to go on a journey alone. This is one of those instances, and I support them with the utmost intensity. I know, that they know... that I'll be there for them whenever they need. Hell, I'll attend their wedding if it came to that, because I love them... and I've always held closely that sometimes one must let someone go if they really do care no matter what the outcome.

My life I've spent a lot of time thinking for others, and in this case I thought greatly for myself. For once in my life, I had a selfish moment and it filled me with grief and I hurt. But over the course of the week I've had many conversations with people involving this. It was my beautiful, caring, and amazing younger sister that really helped me grasp what I needed to consider. That I need to think about myself... but remove myself from the situation at the same time. Although those weren't her exact words, she helped me really come to a realization of what was happening. She helped me to realize what was likely happening here. I was being left, not on a journey to see other people, but this beautiful person was on a personal journey to find themselves. Although I knew this, I didn't truly know until now.

I'm still very shaken, and every time my computer reboots and I see this beautiful person on my boot screen... I feel that missing part of me. I feel my heart jump up as though a dog to a bacon strip only to realize it's really just the hand of the owner who ate bacon and was going to scratch their ear. There is still something very important missing but it's a sacrifice that I am not just willing to take... but I need to take for the good of this other person.

I love you.

That's always on my mind, and every morning I wake up every time I pray before a meal and before bed. Every time I think about the future and everything I've accomplished. That is on my mind. You... are on my mind. It hurts, but it just solidifies how I feel, it is evidence that I feel that way and always will. I want you to know that, and hold onto that wherever you go.

If I never see you again (God help me if I don't)... I would want that to be the last thing you remember of me.

I know there's a possibility that we wont be together in the same way... and I hope that we will. But I want you to take with you that I support you and above all...

Grow.

Grow, learn what you are seeking about yourself. But like I had said before...

Always grow brighter.

Never- ever lose that about you. Don't dim for anything, always grow brighter and smile brighter than the last time. Always with feeling, even if there is no reason. Your smile is what captured me when I first met you and it's the greatest captivation I'll ever find myself in.

"Above all, to thine own self be true."

Learn and grow, but don't lose yourself. You, at your core, are such a beautiful creation. Don't lose that, don't lose that kindness and purity. Those freckles (and you've got those) of naivety that always made me laugh because they were so beautifully so. You are beautiful, with make-up, without make-up, when your mascara runs, when your hair is out of control, and when your just too tired to give an audible answer and you you give a load of jumbled sounds.

You are so beautiful... and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let yourself... tell you otherwise. I hope if anything in your journey, you find that out.


You are beautiful... and I love you.

Take that with you... and I hope to see you soon.

To my one and only one,
Love,

Tom.

P.S.

Thank you for being in my life and for being such an important part of it.

Eternity everyday...

Hey Blog,

So... this week seems to have dragged on for what seems to be forever. I'm driving home soon, but frankly, I'm afraid to. But, I want to see Lisa, my sister, and hang out with some people. I'm tempted to stick around this weekend, but I can't do that this time around. I've got stuff to do, and people to see.

This week, has been pretty grueling, not because my classes... but other things have been on my mind. It seemed like it was all a dream that I would wake up from. As much as I wish I could, I know it wont happen that way. I'm in it now, I just wish it didn't take so long to get from day to day. It feels like eternity everyday... and I feel like my feet sink into the floor every time I take a step.

Thinking about going home has me kind of haunted. My stomach feels odd every time I think about it. Looking forward to the weekends feels different, almost uninspired. I cling to being able to see my family, especially Lis'... but she's busy and I have a feeling I'll be sitting around kind of alone. Which, it's hard enough to be in a room full of my friends without feeling a little sunk over my head. I suppose in a sense it's been hard to breathe, and I've felt a little out of place. A little drained at sometimes, and sometimes I feel like my drive has taken a screeching halt.

The other day, I was playing DnD with some friends, and a pretty depressing thing happened to my character. The problem is, I almost felt like that was the last straw for me. It was almost symbolic... having my character be turned into something he didn't want to be in the first place. Losing things that were important to him, and ending up something else. I was deeply upset losing that character, at the same time... I knew it happened. But, it still left me pretty upset, and I hope I don't end up the same way. I wanted to be someone else... but it seemed like I ended up just like I really was. My escape became just another type of prison, and as much as I know my friend didn't mean to make it turn out that way... it just seemed to happen.

I guess, there really isn't any rest for the wicked. I'm still looking for an up and up to all of this. A lot of people have been supporting me, and I've been clawing myself up from what seems to be a freakin' pit. But, it's hard... damn this sucks, I wish I was a better rock climber...

So much for keeping current huh?

Hey Blog,

So, I understand it's been awhile since I've last really posted on here. I'm sorry about that, but that's okay because I've got a lot to blog about now (I guess). That last post I did in 2009 has really come a long way for me, and I've changed a lot since then. I would say for the better, but frankly there's some things I kind of wish didn't change. But these things do happen, and that's something I've got to live with in my own way.

Well, to be perfectly honest, times are hard right now. But that's to be expected, and I'm okay with this. I'm learning, and I'm living and that's important. I have no regrets going into this New Year of 2011. I'm ready to take it on, albeit me being a bit lesser than I was before. It is worth it, and I'm willing to take that weight upon my shoulders.

It's hard, and it gets harder everyday. It hurts, and it only seems to sting more as I go along. But these are necessary pains that I am perfectly willing to endure. Love, makes things possible, no matter how hard they are.

Well, I think I'll leave that up for a bit, hope to post again real soon! See you later Blog!