Relationships and "Weird Things"

Hey Blog,

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just a lonely guy right now or something... but it's kind of been on my mind. I know it's a horrible time to think about relationships though since I'm so close to graduating and what not, but hey one can't really help it you know?

So, it's just been floating around I guess, the thought about being with someone. I suppose while I was talking to my sister about stuff... it kind of just crossed my mind. It's just a bit tough, wondering just how I should go into the future of things in that regard. I'm just about to graduate, I'm hoping I can get this jarb and start making a pretty good income, I suppose the next step is to meet someone awesome and work on settling down right? Well, what if you've met someone awesome? But, things just weren't right at the time? Or like, what if you're not sure if your professional life (if you've got super goals for the future) can meld very well with your personal life right now?

Granted, I don't want to go without a partner till I complete my dream, that's just ridiculous. I mean, that'd leave me not being in a relationship till I'm forty or something. That's way to out there. I can't really consider a relationship right now, but it's always kind of on my mind. I've been working out a lot, getting skinnier and stuff. I suppose I'm getting more attractive? But that thought keeps making me uneasy. I know that physical appeal is like... a huge part of it... but I feel like that shouldn't be such a huge factor.

I think part of that is also from my last relationship... which was long. But I mean, basically I was left, given the notion that I was good enough if not better... but how is that justified when I'm still left alone? I suppose that has affected me... and that's not necessarily their fault for leaving me that way, but that's just really how the ball rolls you know?

I graduate in several weeks, I'll be out of the crazy life-limbo with school and things. I'm a little uneasy about thinking about actively looking for a relationship. I'm a "fall into place" kind of guy. That's kind of how I'm feeling I'll go. If something happens, it happens right? Motion of the ocean? Whatever, before I go into a mess of those sayings...

I suppose I'm just confused on where I stand with some things... not sure what I should be feeling or how I should be thinking. Is there more waiting in my future? I feel like I play the game of a lot of waiting on things... that I don't even know if they'll work out.

I will tell you what I am good at though Blog. Waiting, apparently. But I'm confused I guess, that's the best way to depict how I feel. Confused.

-------------------------"Weird Things"------------------------------

Okay, so I've been watching this anime... okay, so I started watching it today. They started using the term "weird things" basically to depict sex. Since it's a Slice of Life anime and there's a child character in it they try to protect them from the trauma. So that's what I was getting at with "Weird Things".

So at any rate (Love this transition), I don't seem to see why people think it's a bad thing to not be okay with One-night stands. A lot of people who know me on a personal level, know how I feel about sex. I treat it as an important step between two people. Somewhat of a spiritual thing, if you will. I mean, to some people that seems really odd... considering for a lot of people it's a physical act of relieving sexual frustration/tension as well as just being down right pleasing. Hey, that's totally legitimate, I just don't follow the practice of getting rocks off first, and then building a relationship next. I am a try hard with relationships, I play it serious.

My body is a temple? Now, a lot of women will look at that and be like, "Wtf is the big deal? It's not like you're invading someone's caverns on a spelunking adventure". A lot of guys will probably be like, "Wtf is the big deal? When a man sees a hole, he's gotta go through it!"

Okay... so maybe that's a bit drastic, but I've gotten a lot of flak in the past for not just jumping the bones of every female I come into contact with. Frankly, it's irritating... I understand what sex is to people, but it's not always the same. For me, it's a totally different story and a totally different playing fields. I take relationships and sex very seriously, and sometimes that puts people off in so many ways. I don't quite understand it, but I guess when things are just different from what would be considered the norm... people tend to press the issue.

"Take your penis off the pedestal!"

So, that's something a good friend of mine has said to me in the past when they wanted to hook me up with people. My response is usually, "This is a privilege! Not a gift!" Which, honestly, is true. I've been confronted with the opportunity to possibly have an encounter with someone... and I told them I couldn't. Some would have told me it was a stupid thing to do, but to me, it felt so important.

Sex is for someone I truly care about, someone I truly am comfortable with, and am truly ready to share that experience with.

Hm, I don't know what really brought this on, but I suppose I just started thinking about how things are and the things I should maintain. I've been contemplating and almost second guessing myself a bit sometimes. It's dumb, I feel a little wrong having this sense of shaken judgment on certain aspects of my values. Honestly, this is something I stick strongly to.

Sex is something that a lot of people flock to with someone they barely know because it offers minimum responsibility, for incredible amounts of gratification. It's easy, without having to take on all the hardships that can come with an actual relationship.

I can't really hang with that feeling... that feeling of using someone for something so base. The thought of being used for something like that even. I know that some people can do it, and that's great for them. I can't do it, sorry folks...

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So again, you're probably wondering, why did this all come up?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I just felt like talking about it, putting it out there. *shrug*.

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Oh! So, I'm super stressed about Senior Project. But... that's to be expected. Just a lot of stuff going wrong, a lot of stuff being behind... it's a mess. But I think we can pull through this. We'll see how tomorrow goes. So, I'll probably be updating Blog2 sometime at the end of the week, I'll be catching you soon thereafter.

Hope you enjoyed the update?

Take it easy Blog.