No rest for the wicked...

Hey Blog,


So... it's been pretty crazy the past several weeks. All kinds of things have been happening, and it seems like my bad luck has been building and building as time is passing. I haven't really had a chance to stand up before finding myself crawling on the floor again. Times are rough, but I'm getting by the best a man can in times of trouble.

Well, lets get down to business... so far, my car has broken down the day before a freakin' midterm. Had a bit of an emergency some days before. This weekend has been a crazy one, one of ups and downs. This entire week has been somewhat like this, but nothing like the weekend itself.

So, lets get down to the smaller stuff now. My car broke down last night while I was hitting the 580 to 880 south bound junction. I found myself unable to shift gears as my gear box seemed to become a huge hole in my car. So, I pulled off the freeway and turned onto Broadway where I called my dad. I got a hold of AAA and got a tow back home. Unfortunately... I have a midterm today, and now I'm sitting here a little stressed out that I might not be able to get a reschedule. From what I hear, my professor is very sick (in which I'm praying for his health).

I really don't have much of a choice in this matter involving my car. So I hope that there's a possibility of me being able to take the midterm on a later date. Otherwise... I'm pretty damned screwed. My luck has been really poor lately, and I hope it'll pick up soon.

Beautiful Person...

Well, I've finally gotten some closure it seems. The hope in which I was clinging too foolishly was finally given way to a more harsher reality... but it has left me with higher level of promise. I know, deep in my heart, that my beautiful person didn't mean for what happened to happen. I forgive them from the bottom of my heart for what happened.

My beautiful person was missing something... something very important. Something that I hope they know they need to fill that missing area before they can truly give themselves to someone. This missing piece, is why it seemed in the long run that the passion was not as mutual. I hope, and I pray that my beautiful person will refill this something and be able to love themselves more. Not be as critical about themselves, and truly be themselves, not what others might look upon them. They're a beautiful person, inside and out, and I truly love that about them.

I really hope that my beautiful person will find themselves, and find happiness. But most of all, I hope that they'll be able to rebuild what they had been missing, so that they can truly give everything to someone, and not be in fear that there might be something else. When one is not missing pieces, they can truly make a leap of faith for another person. But till they are complete, and have found as much as there is to know about someone that they can find on their own, they will not be able to make that jump.

I'll truly miss my beautiful person, and I hope I can still have them in my life... but time will truly tell from here.

Take it easy Blog... lets hope things start looking up...

The work out that might just have changed my life...

Hey Blog,

I know it's really late... but I just had to post this up. I just had a great workout, and this workout really gave me some perspective. I don't know what it was, but I breathed so clearly while I ran and did all of my exercises and I'd never felt so alive while doing a workout like I did tonight. It was... an incredible experience, that I don't think I have ever gone through while doing something like this.

Well, when I concluded my jog... I took a moment and I prayed. I prayed for a long time for my beautiful person. I prayed for the journey that was ahead, and I prayed for the goals I hoped to obtain. I found a confidence in that moment that seemed to pierce into my soul, in a good way. I felt confident in my ability to burn off seventy-five pounds by the summer time. I felt confident in my ability to get through this hardship, and continue to be who I am. I felt confident in my beautiful person's journey, and I'm glad she took this time to make this choice. I want her to find herself on this journey, and I do hope that one day she'll return. If she does, I hope we can carry on from where we left off when it ended... a beautiful relationship, where every kiss was like a fresh breath of air, and every smile was like a new day.

I know it may seem like I'm banking on that in a silly manner. But... I am confident in the way things are. I was a jerk over the past few days, and it was wrong for me to do some of the things I did. I was confused, and out of that I became foolish and did silly things. I'm sorry... to the people that I got caught in the middle, my great friends, my friend's awesome parent, and my beautiful person. You all mean the world to me, and I hope I can make the best of things this year.

I still have a lot of questions, and I'm still not sure about some things. But my confusion isn't blinding me, I now just have questions. I have passion right now, for things to come, and the things that I might learn. I still know what I want, and I still want to stick to my goals. But right now, I feel filled with hope, faith, and strength.

I love you my beautiful person. I love you my wonderful friends. I'm ready for the path ahead, and I will stop at nothing to go forward. I will continue to grow, I will finish my education, and I will build the Bat Cave I told you about beautiful person. I told God that I knew you'd do great things for the world, and I stick to that.

The world is a beautiful place... and the path ahead is rife with wonder. Although your smile wont usher the sun up for me, I think I'm willing to go on without it for a bit... God knows I'll miss it. But, I hope you'll continue to smile bright regardless, and never bring yourself down, always bring yourself up. You're a beautiful girl, body, mind, and soul. Don't forget it!



All right, lets do this!

Take it easy Blog!

Angels, fences, and puppies.

Hey Blog,

This weekend has been a mixture of things and has been pretty crazy. I mean, it had to have, since I'm posting twice within a day of the last post. Well, I guess my last post didn't really constitute as a blog about it, but more of how I was feeling. I suppose that'll happen quite a bit as this goes along... so bear with me Blog.

So, yesterday I went to a Gun show with my dad at the Cow Palace in Daly City/San Francisco. It was great, there were a ton of people there, and awesome stuff to see. A lot of the people there were from the last one, and it was great to see some of the same things there again, and disappointing to see some things not there (HELMET GUY!!?? NOO!!!!). But, overall, it was a cool Gun Show.

Although... what happened to me all day was not all that spectacular. The reason I say that is because, well... throughout the entire day I saw my beautiful person from upon waking up, to the end of the day. When I woke up, I saw her there beside me... smiling. When I blinked, she was gone... and it made my heart sink. I tried to let it go, and go throughout the day but I continued to see her in the crowd smiling back at me, going around the corner, and even driving in vehicles around me. When I closed my eyes, she was there. Later on in the day, my great friend from high school called me. At first, I thought I heard her saying, "Hey you" like my beautiful person did before. It scared me, but I was excited... thinking I was hearing from her again finally. I was so scared I didn't even realize it was my great friend.

My friend calling was helpful... but I felt myself slipping as the day was coming to an end. I was driven into some sort of confusion, and found myself thinking I had "Given everything, and yet I LOST." I was so down at that point... I had lost my cool. My friend tried to bring me to my sense, and I did somewhat, in a sense he helped me get to sleep that night... having played a game with me for a little while.

Sunday, I went with my father to build a fence. We went out to buy the materials, and at some point we were really ready to get the puppy already. We didn't though, because the woman who is giving the puppy to us was getting them their shots. So, we took it upon ourselves to build the fence now, even though the puppy wont need it for a few months. Go figure, ha.

So, we built it, which was a little frustrating but we managed to get it done in a few hours. The long part is done, but we've got another, smaller (thankfully) fence to make on the side of our house. We've pretty much going for a dog run for the puppy to grow into. So, next weekend we'll be getting a puppy on my younger sister's birthday.

On Sunday nights, I volunteer at my church as a Youth Leader for high school students. We played board games tonight, and it was really fun playing Clue and The Game Of Life. But when the meeting was over, I had a long discussion with my fellow leaders, both are older than me and I look up to them a lot. We talked about our thoughts on things, and how we felt about stuff. It was a great conversation where I told them about how I coined the phrase, "If Angels can cry, why can't we?". In that time, my other Youth Leader asked me, "Why do you think Angel's cry?" and I talked a bit about the movie Legion... which I thought was only a good movie based on the dialogue alone. I told him, "I believe Angels cry when they see people do great things for others from the heart."

I made a lot of realizations from that conversation, more particularly on how disgusted I feel with myself for thinking I had given it all only to lost with my beautiful person. It was in the conversation that I realized that I had given it all and gained everything. I have grown a lot from the last few weeks... A LOT. I've learned a lot about myself, and about how I should live. I still know what I want... and I still want this beautiful person by my side forever... but I know I have to be patient.

I told this beautiful person that I would wait for her as long as it takes. I promised... and I stand by my promises.

At any rate, I'm stoked about the puppy, and I look forward to the next week to come. Wish me luck, and take care Blog!

To the Eye of the Storm

Hey Blog,

This week has been another week of chaos, and has left me with little time to really breath and recover from things. It seems every time I turn around, or set myself down to rest there is another thing that pops up and slaps me in the face. I haven't been sleeping well... and I haven't been able to recover from a wrecked sleep schedule, which has effected my school as well in the worst possible way. My professor shows more disappointment in me everyday, and it hurts to feel so pathetic. It seems like every time I go up a stone on this mountain, it gets taller and taller. Every time the peak seems so at hand and I will finally get a moment to take a breath, it disappears in the fog.

I'm tired, I feel so at the bottom, and I am full of anguish it's bearing down on me. Seriously, it's hell in a hand-basket. I mean, I've got so much clarity as to what is going on, but I've never felt so damned lost in my life. I've felt lost before, but this goes beyond anything that's ever happened in the past. I am drifting in the storm, and am unsure whether I should sail out of it... or if I should continue inside hoping the eye will show me my fate. It's frightening, and the world is upside down.

This feeling, that there's no air, is kicking my butt. I just want to have a moment of rest but it's no where at all. Ugh, I'm so tired... I just want to sleep but I'm afraid to. What the hell Blog? What the hell?

Save me, please? Or.... tranquilize me or something.

Till then, I'll drift for awhile and see where the storm will take me. If it doesn't consume me first....

Trouble in Tom Town, and something you should know...

Hey Blog,

So, for the past several days I've been distracting myself with a Garry's Mod game called: Trouble in Terrorist Town. It's been keeping me really distracted for that time frame, and it's been really helpful. In some cases at least... in other cases it's been kind of bad. Like, with my sleeping schedule for instance, but at the same time I can't blame it for that. At any rate... for those of you who have Steam and the Source games, if you have the Source games and are wondering about whether or not to get Garry's Mod. Well, for TTT alone, it's worth it.

That aside, lets get on to other stuff that's been going on. Well, I've come to a realization about the situation I'm in. As much as it sucks, I should be a bit more open to the idea considering how important it is to the person I care so much about. Although they're leaving me, and I hope its for a short time , I want them to happy. I now know I've been kind of selfish over the past week or so. I've been selfish in thinking about how the situation pertains to me. But who would blame me? Well, me obviously... but that's aside from the point.

What's important to me, is that this beautiful person who I hold so dearly in my heart... grows like she wants to. I want her to be happy, to blossom, and to find herself. Although I want to be with this person, I know that there are times when people need to go on a journey alone. This is one of those instances, and I support them with the utmost intensity. I know, that they know... that I'll be there for them whenever they need. Hell, I'll attend their wedding if it came to that, because I love them... and I've always held closely that sometimes one must let someone go if they really do care no matter what the outcome.

My life I've spent a lot of time thinking for others, and in this case I thought greatly for myself. For once in my life, I had a selfish moment and it filled me with grief and I hurt. But over the course of the week I've had many conversations with people involving this. It was my beautiful, caring, and amazing younger sister that really helped me grasp what I needed to consider. That I need to think about myself... but remove myself from the situation at the same time. Although those weren't her exact words, she helped me really come to a realization of what was happening. She helped me to realize what was likely happening here. I was being left, not on a journey to see other people, but this beautiful person was on a personal journey to find themselves. Although I knew this, I didn't truly know until now.

I'm still very shaken, and every time my computer reboots and I see this beautiful person on my boot screen... I feel that missing part of me. I feel my heart jump up as though a dog to a bacon strip only to realize it's really just the hand of the owner who ate bacon and was going to scratch their ear. There is still something very important missing but it's a sacrifice that I am not just willing to take... but I need to take for the good of this other person.

I love you.

That's always on my mind, and every morning I wake up every time I pray before a meal and before bed. Every time I think about the future and everything I've accomplished. That is on my mind. You... are on my mind. It hurts, but it just solidifies how I feel, it is evidence that I feel that way and always will. I want you to know that, and hold onto that wherever you go.

If I never see you again (God help me if I don't)... I would want that to be the last thing you remember of me.

I know there's a possibility that we wont be together in the same way... and I hope that we will. But I want you to take with you that I support you and above all...

Grow.

Grow, learn what you are seeking about yourself. But like I had said before...

Always grow brighter.

Never- ever lose that about you. Don't dim for anything, always grow brighter and smile brighter than the last time. Always with feeling, even if there is no reason. Your smile is what captured me when I first met you and it's the greatest captivation I'll ever find myself in.

"Above all, to thine own self be true."

Learn and grow, but don't lose yourself. You, at your core, are such a beautiful creation. Don't lose that, don't lose that kindness and purity. Those freckles (and you've got those) of naivety that always made me laugh because they were so beautifully so. You are beautiful, with make-up, without make-up, when your mascara runs, when your hair is out of control, and when your just too tired to give an audible answer and you you give a load of jumbled sounds.

You are so beautiful... and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let yourself... tell you otherwise. I hope if anything in your journey, you find that out.


You are beautiful... and I love you.

Take that with you... and I hope to see you soon.

To my one and only one,
Love,

Tom.

P.S.

Thank you for being in my life and for being such an important part of it.

Eternity everyday...

Hey Blog,

So... this week seems to have dragged on for what seems to be forever. I'm driving home soon, but frankly, I'm afraid to. But, I want to see Lisa, my sister, and hang out with some people. I'm tempted to stick around this weekend, but I can't do that this time around. I've got stuff to do, and people to see.

This week, has been pretty grueling, not because my classes... but other things have been on my mind. It seemed like it was all a dream that I would wake up from. As much as I wish I could, I know it wont happen that way. I'm in it now, I just wish it didn't take so long to get from day to day. It feels like eternity everyday... and I feel like my feet sink into the floor every time I take a step.

Thinking about going home has me kind of haunted. My stomach feels odd every time I think about it. Looking forward to the weekends feels different, almost uninspired. I cling to being able to see my family, especially Lis'... but she's busy and I have a feeling I'll be sitting around kind of alone. Which, it's hard enough to be in a room full of my friends without feeling a little sunk over my head. I suppose in a sense it's been hard to breathe, and I've felt a little out of place. A little drained at sometimes, and sometimes I feel like my drive has taken a screeching halt.

The other day, I was playing DnD with some friends, and a pretty depressing thing happened to my character. The problem is, I almost felt like that was the last straw for me. It was almost symbolic... having my character be turned into something he didn't want to be in the first place. Losing things that were important to him, and ending up something else. I was deeply upset losing that character, at the same time... I knew it happened. But, it still left me pretty upset, and I hope I don't end up the same way. I wanted to be someone else... but it seemed like I ended up just like I really was. My escape became just another type of prison, and as much as I know my friend didn't mean to make it turn out that way... it just seemed to happen.

I guess, there really isn't any rest for the wicked. I'm still looking for an up and up to all of this. A lot of people have been supporting me, and I've been clawing myself up from what seems to be a freakin' pit. But, it's hard... damn this sucks, I wish I was a better rock climber...

So much for keeping current huh?

Hey Blog,

So, I understand it's been awhile since I've last really posted on here. I'm sorry about that, but that's okay because I've got a lot to blog about now (I guess). That last post I did in 2009 has really come a long way for me, and I've changed a lot since then. I would say for the better, but frankly there's some things I kind of wish didn't change. But these things do happen, and that's something I've got to live with in my own way.

Well, to be perfectly honest, times are hard right now. But that's to be expected, and I'm okay with this. I'm learning, and I'm living and that's important. I have no regrets going into this New Year of 2011. I'm ready to take it on, albeit me being a bit lesser than I was before. It is worth it, and I'm willing to take that weight upon my shoulders.

It's hard, and it gets harder everyday. It hurts, and it only seems to sting more as I go along. But these are necessary pains that I am perfectly willing to endure. Love, makes things possible, no matter how hard they are.

Well, I think I'll leave that up for a bit, hope to post again real soon! See you later Blog!