Yeah... it's been awhile. I know I say that a lot at this point, but the truth is... I've been avoiding you. I mean, I don't mean to avoid you, it's not like I'm trying to be a jerk to you or anything, I'm just... going through a time right now where I can't seem to bring myself to go on here and update you on what's going on. Listen, I'm really sorry I've been doing that to you. So what I think I'll do, is I'll update you on what's been going on. Frankly, I could use someone to talk to right now.
Lets start with what's got me right now; right now I'm a little down on myself. My self-esteem has been in the dump for the past week. Not only do I feel a little ashamed of myself, but I also feel this huge sense of being a huge burden for the people around me. Like, I'm being nothing but annoying, or something along those lines. I know that in some cases, I'm not... but I can't seem to shake the feeling. It's been holding me down probably the most, and it's really frustrating.
You're probably wondering, "Wait, what made you this way?"
Well, yeah... that's what I left out, I suppose I should have started with that instead. Well, lets get started shall we?
I messed up...
So, last week after a long discussion with my Professor, Dean, and my Team; I was told I failed Senior Project I. Yeah... kind of an ugly picture. Not necessarily something you'd have expect right? Well, unfortunately, it happened... and I'm understanding of the situation. I messed up, I let my team down because I got caught up with something else. I was understanding of what I had done, but I was deeply ashamed. I let my team down, I let my friends down, and I let my family down. How could I have dropped the ball like that?! How could I have just let things get me caught up like that?! What was I thinking?!
When it was over, I had a lot of time to sit in my room and duke it out with myself. I beat myself to the floor with a good old shout fest with... well, just me. "What the hell were you thinking Tom?! You should have been able to see what was going on! You should have hit it hard and fixed it! You had people relying on you to be there, and you f'ed it up! You had a job, and you f'ed it up! How can you amount to anything in the work place if you can't even handle this?!"
Just a little example of what I had hit myself with... which is a little bit of brutality. But, in truth... I needed to hear it. I need this time to regroup and be able to focus, now I'll be able to focus only on the senior project. As much as that sounds nice, I'm still ashamed, I'm still disappointed. I mean, it's not really that I wont be graduating in June, or that I'm going to be going deeper in debt, or even the fact that I've got to spend even more time in the same place. It's that, I told people I could do a job, and I fell back on my word. Being the kind of person who takes action and doesn't just talk, or if I do talk I make it happen or try my hardest. I say what I mean, and if the words "I promise" leave my lips, I follow through.
But this time... I messed up. It's been keeping me in a funk ever since...
So... a rock in the darkness...
So for the past week, I've been riding my motorcycle. I've been... coming up with a plan of action, and I've been trying to keep myself focus. I've come to terms with the position I'm in, but being down is being down. Going back to what I was talking about earlier, I'm a little sunk. I mean, these things happen, circumstance sometimes hits us hard. Unfortunately... it hit me in the face, when I wanted it the least. But, isn't that how it's suppose to be?
What I feel like though, is that I can't really talk to anyone about this feeling. I mean, I've talked to Broseidon, but... I'm still kind of in the funk. He understands, but there's not much he can do. Not only that, but I haven't really talked too extensively to him about it. I didn't want to burden him with that conversation when he just got back from a great trip. What kind of f'ed up stuff is that?
I've been biting down pretty hard, keeping a smile on, and trying to convince myself that it's really not what it is. But... it's hard to convince yourself that, when it seems like everything is pointing to it being real? When you sit there, without anything to do, all you can do is think. No, not think, but brood. It's depressing, it's destructive, it's pathetic even. I mean, I'm stronger than this, I sit there and bring people up, and I can't even drag my own sorry butt out of a hole?
I told myself, I'd never want anyone to be in this position. I want to be strong for people, be able to help them in need. I don't want people to feel alone, or left behind. No one deserves that feeling, no one.
But, in a sense... it leaves you a little out there. You search, but at some point you find yourself falling into a hole in the middle of nowhere. Who do you go to? Who is there for you when you need it? If you ask for help, do you look incapable? Or do you look weaker?
Well... I know the answers to those questions, but... they're the solidifying factor that makes the situation so much worse. This is the brooding part, you hit yourself with so many questions, you don't know what to think. You spend time helping people, so you anticipate... you anticipate an outcome by planning, by asking questions. But then you realize, you've got no one to bounce those questions off of, no one to help you to make your plan bullet-proof. Then what? You're left with questions... lots of questions, questions that beat the crap out of you.
Okay, so that was a little bit of a jump into my mind with certain things. In this particular case, it's the process of doubt. But this is the doubt process where I doubt myself, I doubt others, I doubt possible outcomes.
Now, keep in mind Blog, people don't see this side of me. Few even hear about this part of me, and now it's going to be public knowledge. But... I don't really mind, because apart of making weakness into a strength, is coming to terms with that weakness. This is one that I acknowledge, and although it's still a weakness now... I'm working on it.
But for now... it kind of just feels like I'm a rock out in the darkness... kind of sucks really.
On another note...
So, it's been rough lately Blog. If you couldn't tell already, but things aren't just like... a huge dump. For one, the Sharks made it to round two for the Stanley Cup. That's exciting, I know it seems kind of odd that I'd bring that up. I don't follow sports that often, I blame my mom, two of my buddies, and Awesome Person.
I've been getting a lot of motorcycle time, which is great, since I don't get to do that often enough really. I got a chance to hang out with a friend from Turlock, who I haven't seen in awhile. That's nice, he's a great guy and I missed him quite a bit. Also, I've been getting sleep, probably too much sleep really... I feel bad about it considering I know there's people around me that aren't getting all that much sleep. I feel wrong, sleeping in throughout the day while I know people are getting power naps.
Uhm... Oh! My dad got us a new Sig Mosquito, which we are probably going to take out to the range in the next couple of days. That's exciting, I haven't been shooting in a long time... which I think will really help me find some clarity. Granted, I wont have the two buddies I originally wanted to join me for this... but that's all right. I think a little time hanging out with my old man is good too.
Other than that... I think I'm ready for the next session, I'm going to hunker down, hit it hard, get some more practice with what I'm headed into, and I'll hit the Senior Project like a railway train. I just want to shake this funk really... it's making everything hard to manage.
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At this point, I can only really push myself. I suppose, I'll give people space, one of the issues I've got going on is... I feel lonely you know? I mean, I've got not much to do, and even though there's a lot of people around, it still feels like I'm alone. It's a weird feeling, and it's a little sad, but it goes along with the whole funk thing. But overall, I don't want to keep bothering people, so I figure I'll just give them space. It's a little frustrating feeling like... you're the only person reaching out to talk to people. It's all right, I know that almost all of my buddies are busy right now... but it still sucks feeling down and out, and feeling like you're annoying people... or you're needy by bothering them all the time.
Then, if you don't talk to them, they think you're angry at them or something. Or... something is going on. Then no communication happens... then it's like... instant separation! What a twisted cycle, right? Er... I know you're probably like, "Well Tom... I can't really contact you, it's really all you right now man", which... is totally legit. I guess I have been failing in that department, sorry Blog.
But really, I think I just need to chill out... let people do their thing, and... kind of try and find stuff to keep me busy. Maybe I'll ride more on the motorcycle, maybe I'll go visit a buddy? I'm in the air right now, when you're in a rut, you don't tend to see things as clearly. You kind of only think about the negative crap that goes on, and it drains you of positive energy.
"Stop that Tom, seriously", is probably what you're thinking Blog. You're totally right, I just wish it was that easy. I'm trying okay? I'm trying really hard. I think I can do this Blog, I GOT THIS!
So anyway Blog, I'm sorry I've kind of neglected you. It's probably not as bad as Blog 2... who... honestly, I haven't really had much need to post on. I've been doing really bad about it. But I think that's something to post about. At any rate, I'm going to take off and catch some Z's.
Take it easy Blog.
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